Rodja

Posted in Characters

It is the first weekend in our brand new home! Boxes are spread from arse to breakfast and unpacking is going to be the order of the day. A very pregnant Ruth has lists on lists, details of where everything is to go. She is still asleep!

The kettle boils, and I pop a tea bag in, to draw. The doorbell rings. “Hullo, my name is Rodja” says a small urchin, sucking earnestly on a chupa chup. He is wearing a pyjama top and thongs. He comes into the living room and makes a beeline for the kitchen. He deposits his chupa into the pyjama’s pocket, settles at the breakfast bar and proceeds to finish off my bowl of muesli.

“Where’s Ben” he queries. Before I can get a handle on things, I ask who Ben is. “He lives here. With his sister Sarah and Mummy and Daddy. Who are you?”

The chupa is back in his mouth, and a line of colourful dribble is mixing with cereal milk residues, tracking indirectly down his face. As I watch, the sparkling flecks are reaching the edge of his chin, momentarily hesitating, consolidating before dropping neatly down onto his pyjama top.

Rodja heads for the back door and out into the yard where he unceremoniously reaches the lemon tree and projects a modest stream! He tells me that Ben, Sarah and he have been practising but Sarah can’t do it. He asks again where Ben is.

Ruth appears at the back door, a smile of welcome faltering as she sees the small, semi-naked boy at the lemon tree. “Who is he?” “I haven’t the foggiest.” “We are moving soon. I want to say tut-tah to Ben and Sarah.”

The doorbell rings again. We all head back inside and meet a woman we take to be Rodja’s Mum. “Is he here? The movers arrived a few minutes ago and he must have slipped out the door while I was busy with them.” “Oh, excuse me: Molly Waters, two doors up. This is where his best friends Ben and Sarah live, or they did until a couple of weeks ago. He practically lives here.” “Come on Roger, let’s get you home, into the shower, clothes and some breakfast.”

The chupa is continuing to dribble down his chin. I notice the sparkly splodges on the kitchen and loungeroom floors, but he happily anchors a sticky hand into his Mum’s, and leaves. We assure Rodja that he is most welcome to come again. Molly smiles over her shoulder.

We entertain Rodja several times over the next few days. He continues to look around, in case Ben is hiding behind one of the doors, in a bedroom, or in the bathroom. He loves Muesli, and with Molly’s say-so, we share a couple of bowls of cereal together.

Rodja’s big day arrives and we are on the footpath waving good-bye, he at his window yelling to us not to forget to say tut-tah to Ben.

Tis the season for netting …

Posted in Gardens

“Those bloody rosellas!” The trees are awash with splashes of red, blue and yellow feathers, each gobbling greedily, screeching loudly, confirming to the multitude that the fruit is ripe. I have the broom, waving it manically as I run into the orchard.

Frustrated tears fall as I race around, ineffectually shoo-shooing, flapping the broom, yelling and dancing around like a banshee. Individuals begrudgingly lift off from a tree, circle lazily overhead, unapologetic, obviously annoyed at my intrusion into an otherwise tasty meal. They remain airborne momentarily, before drifting downwind and settling into another, more distant cherry tree.

We have been arguing, acknowledging that the birds will be circling soon. We agree that netting the trees is now urgent. The fruit is starting to blush beautifully; provocatively. “Yer yer. I’ll be onto it directly.”

His mobile rings. I watch, and see his eyes take on a misty, hypnotic sort of glaze. “Yep. Yer. Wow. You bet. That’s great. I’ll see you down at the shed in an hour.” He grabs his gear, advising “Macca is meeting me down at the boatshed – the Snapper are biting something fierce!” He and the Ute are gone!

“Bloody thanks, Barry.” It is a two-person job to get the nets up and the birds are having a field day. Bugger him: the prick! I’ll do it myself!

I climb the stepladder, the netting tentatively secured over my shoulder. They’re awkward and weigh a tonne, but I get several lengths over the framework. ‘He and his bloody snapper can go to bloody hell’ I fume, as I climb down to reposition the ladder. The netting falls back to the ground. “Shit!”

I replace Barry with the broom, quite satisfactorily. I get an effective rhythm going. The netting stays in position and I move on to the next crossbar. “Take that, you bugger” as I stab the broom into a fisherman. He sploshes into the water and I gain extra netting over the frame.

Beady eyes watch my progress, the cackling suggests scornful appraisal, but by late afternoon, what remains of the crop is under netting. I grab the broom and race around underneath, yelling obscenities, loudly. I get the last of the rosellas out and tie down the sides. I laugh defiantly at the screeching protest from the nearby gums.

“Look at this beauty – I reckon it will go 3 kilos.” I grab the fish and walk to the kitchen door. I toss it out onto the back lawn. I yell “come and get it” into the approaching dusk, inviting any stray cats or fish-eating rosellas to a feast. “Hey, that’s our dinner!”

I throw a scornful look over my shoulder as I make my way to the bathroom. “I am ordering a small pizza, with extra anchovies, olives and a serve of garlic bread: for one! Enjoy the fish!”

Steamy suds sting several superficial scratches. Sipped sparkling shiraz starts soothing strained, stiff muscles, as I review and confirm what has been a long, defining day!

Gazan intercept

Posted in Imagined

1. Deep dark deeds

The dark, uneven floor is littered with what my ears tell me are probably pottery shards. I stub my toe on something and am loathe to move the torch beam far from the floor. There are larger bits of pottery, that for the moment remain unidentifiable.

An hour earlier I tied my large string ball to a tree at the catacomb’s entrance. The two-kilometre-long string is now mostly gone, despite assurances that it would get me in and out safely. I only have a smidgeon remaining from the hefty two-foot-thick bundle of twine I start with.

I fail to note the stairway’s erosion; I fall into the darkness. For a moment I am back on the Egyptian freighter that last month ferried me from Alexandria. I remember my sudden fall down a steep companionway.

Now I am on a hard, stone floor, my torch, still shining, a metre or so from my outstretched hands. Fighting rising panic, I crawl and recapture its beam. I have only fallen a couple of metres, but it is enough to have my senses on high alert. I draw comfort from the torch’s presence and move its beam to illuminate my surroundings. I see the crumbling stairway; no wonder I fell, as most of the steps are missing.

I am at the edge of a bell-shaped chamber, maybe ten metres across, the roof five metres above me. I play the torch across the nearby walls – I see a frieze: intricately patterned red, yellow and white tiled symmetry, a metre above the floor, running around the cavern’s perimeter.

I make my way to the wall and have a closer look. Its simplicity is elegantly beautiful. I have a vision. It is two in the morning, pitch black, save for my bedside clock’s digital display – a series of numbers: five, five, two, two, five, five, two – a never-ending series of numbers stated, then reversed, repeated ad infinitum. I marvel at my brain’s tangential capacities.

My torch wanders further, picking up a very large block of stone. It looks like a coffin – the right shape and there is a partially displaced stone lid. I look inside. OMG, there is a skeleton – I hesitate to say a ‘mummy’. A bony arm rises upwards from the bleached jumble, caught in final rigor, a bony finger latched over the lip of the sarcophagus. I play the torch. An involuntary shiver has me stepping back, another block of stone, another fall!

This fall breaks my string, my umbilical to light and life. I panic but find and retie the ends. Emotions are surging – an urgency to share this fantastic discovery and a possibly draining battery galvanise my decision to start retracing my steps.

The battery did well, but it eventually splutters and leaves me to crawl the last twenty minutes in darkness. There is palpable relief when a corner reveals a tantalising, distant light.

I need Harry, my old Sydney-based mate, who happens to be a Private Eye.

2. Help arrives

I ring the last number I have for Harry. It is early, before 06.00 in Australia. Nobody picks up. After several attempts, I have to assume the contact is cold. I remember he marries a parliamentarian, an Asian Australian lass – Helen Chung, if my memory serves me correctly. I Google her and I get an MLA email contact.

My email goes unanswered for another couple of days, then a terse four-liner arrives, advising of Harry’s retirement, his present uncontactable circumstance. She tells me that he is trialling retirement aboard a coastal freighter running between Cairns and Bamaga, off coastal Cape York. She insists that I not try to contact him again! I respond briefly, schmoozing, with a bit of historical banter. I query the shipping endeavour, but she is not forthcoming, save suggesting I contact Isabella Tomjanovic, whose CV lists pathology and criminal investigation as her two interlinked professions. Helen includes an email contact.

Isabella is friendly and as I give her a brief rundown on how I have come to be in Israel and of my discoveries and suspicions, she confirms an interest to be involved. “Why contact me?” was her second response. I tell her of Helen Chung’s referral.

I share some background information; my contract with the NSW Museum, requesting that I investigate what they suspect to be dodgy provenance on a collection of recently offered, extremely valuable Israeli artefacts. I talk about how my preliminary investigations have led me to a Tel just north of Beersheva. I talk about Harry, my memory of his Middle Eastern forebears, his interest in antiquities and the intervention of Helen, warning me off any further contact.

I tell her about the local police, who are less than helpful, about as useful as a frieze on a melting iceberg. They are alleging that I am possibly an antiquities smuggler, and after I inform them about the skeleton in the Tel, that I am possibly interfering in a crime scene. They are not interested in fingering anybody and even suggest I could be a terrorist, after seeing the recent Egyptian departure stamp in my passport. For good measure, they are threatening to deport me!

I need a ‘friendly eye’ in the country. Isabella agrees to help and her El Al flight arrives four days later. She has her sister’s looks – fantastic – a trim figure, stylish clothes and a demeanour that exudes capability.

Clandestine preliminary briefings occur at her Tel Aviv hotel and later, at her room at the Hotel Negev, in Beer Sheva. I am clean-shaven now and have a reddish rinse through my hair. I think I look twenty years younger, and with my new pink suit, presenting quite the new me. She is complimentary, in a paternalistic, sisterly sort of way!

Isabella has bought a dozen cheap ‘burner’ mobiles – we split the haul. I move to Gaza, where I can quietly continue my background research on the antiquities trade and possible Palestinian connections. She arranges to visit the Tel and the crime scene.

3. A lonely parting. 

The only clothing on the skeleton is that uniform – possibly an Australian issue, but any identifying insignia has long gone. I play my torch up and down the remains. There are still wispy bits of dark hair on the skull and a hole – looking very much like a 303 calibre, straight across the top of the skull.

I am nervous – the location, deep inside some sort of ancient, manmade hillock is playing on my psyche. I am never much for confined spaces and the two-kilometre crouching-crawl into this place is spooking me badly. Being by myself isn’t helping, although, on Brad’s advice, I have taken the precaution of carrying an extra torch! A judicious comfort.

The outstretched skeletal arm holds my attention; in particular, the bony finger hooked onto the rim of the sarcophagus. It confirms the nature of this bloke’s death – unnatural, and an incompetent kill at that, poor bugger; to die, alone in this dark cold cavern!

I want some of that hair and I lean into the sarcophagus. I can’t quite reach the skull but by dragging a nearby block of stone closer, I gain extra purchase. I am within a ‘bee’s-dick’ of falling into the bloody coffin, but I reach the hair and pop a few strands into a forensic bag. In regaining my balance, I send the outstretched, skeletal arm clattering back to rejoin the rest of the jumble.

OK, I think I’m done here, as I play the torch across the skeleton one last time. I catch just the merest hint of a reflection. I look again at the skeleton. There, next to the fibula, on the floor. I carefully reach in again – God I hate doing this, but my fingertip moves the bone to reveal a metal clasp around the remains of a small book. I scrabble further and before I know it, I’m arse up, lying spreadeagled across the top of the bones.

As I gently disentangle myself, I see a metal hat badge partially hidden by the skull – an emu and a boomerang and the words ‘Light Horse Fifth AIF’. So, he was a Digger! With my treasure, I clamber inelegantly out.

I retrace my route, scrambling back up the broken staircase, and rewinding the twine onto the spindle. I commit to never, ever getting into one of these situations again! I have two items that might help the investigation – the hair’s DNA might be traceable. As a former pathologist at Sydney’s Chippendale Morgue, I still have privileged access for DNA analysis. The library at Canberra’s War Memorial will be crucial to identifying who the poor bugger was and possibly unravel events leading up to his lonely death.

From my hotel room, I call Brad and discuss my findings and intentions to take both items back to Australia for analysis. I’ll have it completed soon. I send him a picture of the hat badge and my preliminary assessment that this guy was not an antiquities smuggler. I dump the ‘burner’ phone.

4. Herrings, possibly red ones.

Isabella rings me from her hotel before she begins her flight straight back to Sydney. She sends me a picture of a bronze Light Horse military badge and suggests she will have a DNA analysis of the skeleton’s hair in a couple of weeks. She also shares her preliminary assessment of a probable disconnect between the skeleton and the smugglers.

I return to Gaza, via a circuitous route back through Cairo, then across Rafah, the Egyptian-controlled border crossing. I again book into the Grand Palace Hotel, overlooking the calming Mediterranean waters. I have a meeting with the Museum’s library staff in the late afternoon and in the interim, climb the staircase to my room and join the rest of the community in a midday siesta.

Gaza is a wonderful city, despite its aggressive Israeli encirclement. There is still a community life that continues in the streets – the food stalls, the coffee shops, the hectic, honking traffic, the donkey poo, the dust and the motorbikes – a friendly warm whole. Surprising historical links back to the Light Horse, and Beersheva in 1917 remain, and with Australians also based in Gaza in 1942, my accent delivers extra warmth and friendship.

Museum staff confirm the thefts of their recently acquired collection of 2nd-century Roman armaments. The four spears, found at the back of a Beer Sheva tel, they consider them priceless. They want them back and suspect they are already out of the country. Their intel’ suggests an Australian destination.

Their security further notes unusual consignments going to individuals associated with a gang calling themselves D’shakher. I had the privilege of crossing paths with these guys before – they were fencing a stolen Greek marble frieze. I would need to be vigilant – they dispense with niceties when their interests are under threat.

I know they have a local connection in Gaza. I get talking to a spivvy sort of chap at the library, not authorized to speak publicly, suggesting the thieves were Israeli, not Palestinian, simply using Gaza as a ruse. I retire to a cubicle to consider the state of play.

  • I am sure the skeleton is an incidental ‘red-herring’, albeit it was in the same Tel that held the ancient Roman weapons;
  • The skeleton’s hooked finger at the top of the sarcophagus indicates foul play, possibly during the First World War. The diary might provide explanations;
  • Local intel suggests shipments are leaving Gaza consigned to the Sydney-based gang. The Israeli links to D’shakher membership, and their penchant for never leaving loose ends untended, are both well known.

I stake out a suspect warehouse and photograph four guys coming and going regularly. I also break into the premises one night, finding a large crate on a loading dock. I photograph the Sydney addressee and high-tail it back to my hotel.

The next day I follow a small truck back through the Rafah checkpoint into Egypt and to the Suez port facilities at Al Sokhna. I deduce my Middle Eastern work is done. It’s back to Sydney for me.

5. Gaza erupts 

I have flights back to Sydney booked on Monday and spend the intervening couple of days tidying up my investigation and alerting both Interpol and the AFP of my findings. I suspect the Vaucluse address on the crates, seen in the Gazan warehouse belongs to the D’Shakher hierarchy and I provide details of the ship that was seen loading the crates at Al Sokhna docks.

‘That’s a wrap’, as they say, and I retire poolside at the hotel. I ring Isabella, forgetting the time difference. “Brad, it’s two in the morning!” She’s pleased with my progress but reluctant to share her own results until we’re together.

My mind returns to that poor bastard dying deep underground in the Tel. It will be interesting to see what the skeleton’s hair analysis and her discussions, viz the precious old diary with the War Memorial’s staff turn up.

So, what to do with my remaining 36 hours in Gaza? It is Saturday, maybe a visit to the Museum of Archaeology?

Mustapha, my Interpreter/Driver and I hear the radio announcer break into the music program. ‘Hamas is raiding kibbutz, killing and taking hostages, firing rockets.’ We pull over, listening intently to the garbled account of some uprising! I switch channels. I can’t find Gaza FM, but pick up an Israeli station reporting massive rocket and insurgency attacks, mostly centred from Khan Yunus, down near Rafah and the Egyptian border crossing.

Moments later we hear the air raid sirens wailing. We leap from the car as the first of a series of missiles fly overhead! We are crouching between the car and a brick wall when the next barrage arrives, the high-pitched screech, whistling, deafeningly close. It must have missed us by a whisker; we feel and hear the thuds as the debris starts to fall around us.

The radio has Netanyahu promising to wreak unholy revenge, to destroy Hamas, to flatten Gaza. What the hell is happening? Missiles are pommeling the city, buildings crumple, fireballs rise and evil-smelling, toxic fumes blanket the city.

We turn the car around, hoping against hope to get back to the hotel in one piece. We round the corner at the moment the Grand Palace Hotel folds into itself, vomiting a huge fiery conflagration. A deafening explosion is followed by an eerie silence, then screams, sirens, people running – mayhem announcing that my world is losing its shape!

The radio is advising that the attacks are more deadly. Reports are talking about wholesale slaughter, hostage-taking, bodies in the streets. Gaza is being sealed off, the IDF are gathering at the Gazan/Israeli border crossings, a huge call-up of reservist troops is scheduled. Netanyahu is establishing a Government of Unity, threatening to exact massive revenge.

I need to find an escape route! The idea of catching my flight from Tel Aviv is fading by the hour. Mustapha suggests we drive north. His family, and fuel are loaded. Thank God I have my passport and wallet in my coat pocket. More incoming rockets. We head for the underground carpark at the nearby hospital.

6. Isabella’s attention shifts 

A tropical beachside, pina colada sipping and the bloody phone is ringing. Bloody 2.00 a.m. It’s Brad. “Are you still in Gaza?” He is and has provided Interpol and the AFP with shipping details and the consignee’s address. “I reckon we have earned a dinner at Doyles when I get home, Rock Oysters, salmon and cold beers. Watcha reckon?” He hopes to depart Tel Aviv on Monday.

The morning news carries images and sketchy details of a Palestinian attack: Hamas, slaughter, and Israeli hostages in southern Gaza and in the city. My calls to Brad ring out! I trust he has the wits to stay away from whatever is happening.

I was going to tell him about my skeletal findings – his name, for a starter – Arthur, (he prefers ‘Artie’) Makepeace. His diary provides a snapshot of his time in Egypt and Palestine with the 4th Light Horse Regiment.

Arti grew up in Inglewood, central Victoria, the son of Eucalyptus Oil producers. His identity disk, tucked into his diary, will shortcut discussions at the War Memorial, in Canberra. He talks of his close mate Goldie, ‘Goldilocks’ Seppelt, from somewhere north of Adelaide, recruited into the Light Horse about the same time, and their shipboard meeting, en route to Alexandria. Goldie is creating a complete sensation with the local girls, drawn to his intense, white-blond hair.

The pyramids dominate their weeks of acclimatised training encampment, before the eventual deployment to Beer Sheva. General Harry Chauvel is calling the shots. The diary gets to the ‘pointy’ end in the last couple of pages. I quote

“We’re finally going to see some action tonight. Chauvel wants a nighttime attack upon Beer Sheva where the Turks have a stranglehold on the precious, accessible water It is heavily defended, with machine guns, and even aeroplanes being used to drop explosives.

Goldie and I ride together. We get about three hundred yards before both our horses are shot out from under us. I also cop a graze across the top of my head, bleeding a lot, but I’ll live. We make our way towards a nearby hillock, the bastards are still trying to ping us. We crawl into a cave. Goldie fixes a bandage around my head.

I ring all Brad’s burner phone numbers. They ring out.

Guttural voices approach. We retreat further into the darkness. There is a tunnel, we crawl quietly, as the Turkish bastards fire a weapon into the cavern. A bullet whizzes past, missing us by a whisker. Our trench torches work well. Batteries are uncertain, only mine in use at the moment. The Turks have given up looking for us. My head is hurting badly, although the bleeding has mostly stopped.

My battery is flickering—Goldie’s works. We fall out of the tunnel into a bell-shaped room. An old stairway has crumbled and …

The entries stop. A couple of misshapen words suggest their lamps are giving out. But I now know how Arthur arrived at his final resting place!

7. Isabella – a new focus

Over the top, some might even say hilarious, but my interests and responsibilities have completely shifted. Engaged to uncover antiquity-smugglers, now solved, leaving me with a deliciously intriguing trail of Artie’s to follow.

I now know he was from Inglewood, in Victoria. He is a casualty from the 1917 Charge of the Light Horse regiment that were seeking to wrest control of the vital water supplies locked up by the Turks within Beer Sheva. Artie’s diary records his final poignant moments, wounded, and with his mate Goldie, hiding out in the depths of the Beer Sheva tel.

I have been in contact with the library staff at the National War Memorial, establishing that Artie remains listed as MiA. His diary is going to change that! But they also tell me that Xavier Seppelt’s body was recovered from the battlefield, close to where the Charge commences. Putting two and two together, I surmise Goldie presumes Artie is dead, he leaves the Tel and is gunned down trying to get back to his lines.

My DNA hair analysis needs to be matched. Staff at the Loddon Council offices put me in contact with the local Historical Society and in less than a week, I am emailing Bessie Makepeace, who is declaring that Arthur was her Great Uncle. She now lives in Castlemaine and would be delighted to meet up, to share her DNA.

News from Gaza confirms Brad is probably on the edge of a precipice. I continue to call his mobile numbers ineffectually. My hopes for a positive outcome are flagging, as time erodes my expectations.

I am driving down to Castlemaine, but have arranged to meet Larry Jones, Inglewood RSL’s President en route. I stop for a few moments at their War Memorial, noting the MIA asterisk against Makepeace, E.A. I meet Larry at their lodge and he hands me a photo of Artie, one of those typically uniformed poses, held on a dwindling number of mantlepieces, leather-framed, dusty. I turn my car south towards Castlemaine.

I take a call from somebody in DFAT. They want to confirm Brad’s details and are seeking photo ID. She opined that the Department are expecting to find any remaining Australians in Gaza plastered to smithereens. I thanked her for her advice!

Bessie Makepeace’s twinkling eyes sit above a smile that is both welcoming and teary. We hug as she bundles me inside for a cuppa and cakes. Her 90+ years are incidental, as she busies herself around the kitchen. Questions fly at me over her shoulder as the tea cosy is positioned, biscuits arranged and cups brought to the old deal table. She is bursting with curiosity and excitement, that smile threatening to split her features.

She has already cut a lock of her hair and presented the plastic bag to me. She has a fading memory of the many stories being told, often in hushed tones, by the returning soldiers and recalls photos of a young man going off to war.

8. Collateral mishap

A massive explosion, rubble, smoke, fumes gushing down the corridor towards me. I am knocked off my feet by the force of the blast.

As things clear, there is sunlight streaming from what was the ceiling of our subterranean space. What remains of a car is rocking backwards and forwards, precipitously suspended through the rupture. The occupants have not fared well, although someone is moving – a man in the front passenger seat! Inshallah, I might be able to get to him!

Through the rubble, I fumble and release the seatbelt and he tumbles down into my arms. A bloodied soul, alive but with uncertain prospects. I undertook a quick triage of the other passengers, confirming everyone else has not survived!

There is a deep cut running across his scalp. I call for help and between us we get him onto a blanket amongst the rubble. His pulse is flagging and there is blood seeping through his coat. We need to move him from below where the car continues to rock, ominously. We carry but mostly drag him further down the corridor. It is a good thing that we are only a hundred metres from our makeshift clinic.

Settled with the other wounded, I reach into his coat pockets, finding a wallet, and an Australian passport. ‘Brad Gentle’, hailing from Sydney. I wonder what he is doing in Gaza – probably a journalist, reporting to the world what the Israelis are doing to us!

I walk over to what serves as our Nurse’s Station. A bit of a joke really, maybe even hilarious to allocate such an optimistic label – we are out of drugs, water is being administered by the half cupful and our only light, a series of candles, plus the newly accessed sunlight, now reflecting back along our burrow!

I record his details in the Register, noting briefly the circumstances of his arrival. I walk back to the suspended car and with several others helping, we extract the bodies of the driver, probably his wife, and two small children. We take their bodies into another corridor, to what has become a morgue.

How can this be happening? So many of us, we are not Hamas. Last week I was a doctor in the hospital, today I and one hundred and fifty others, mostly from the medical centre, try and offer medical support to our neighbourhood’s human collateral. We can only assume that the earth-shattering detonations above mean that our hospital has been targeted by the rockets.

One of the walls of the clinic has a portrait of Netanyahu. A target has been drawn and it is plastered with red splotches, blood-soaked bandages thrown with a curse, as the living make their final journey towards Jannah.

I looked after the journalist for several days, but sepsis set in, his temperature soared, and his pulse got weaker. I logged his passing in the Register and hoped his spirit was not unduly compromised by our Islamic funerary rites.

That music box

Posted in Family

She twirled, her blue tutu flounced, as she pirouetted around her glass floor, the mirror capturing and reflecting the performance to ‘London Bridge is falling down’. It was always a ‘must have’ highlight of our visits to Gran. “She’s an enchantress” Gran used to say, but that was as much information as we ever got. She teased and said all would be revealed “in the goodness of time.”
She died at home, Mum nursed her in my old bedroom, vacated when I scored the placement into University College. Gran’s multicoloured crocheted rug, her present to me on my tenth birthday, gave its comforting warmth back to her during that last winter.
I tried to get home every few weeks – ever enticed by Mum’s ‘Sunday Roast’ and a catch up with an increasingly enfeebled Gran. The music box inevitably played second fiddle as my late teenage years were taken up with girls, partying and study, but when Gran came to live at home, it reappeared on the little dressing table next to her bed, wound and ready to entertain. Whenever I was home, Gran loved lifting the lid and directing the ballet.
The tinkling, sometimes scratchy music was still able to provide treasured moments, and Gran was ever ready to claim centre stage. Her blotchy, wrinkled old hands would wind up the mechanism before the performance could proceed. We would be together, her in bed, me close, on the blankets. Precious times, memories that continue.
Mum is now the ‘Gran to my own couple of kids. She is the keeper of that little dancer and in our time-honoured family tradition, has the music box prominently set on the mantlepiece. She delights in bringing it down when we visit – it was a guaranteed show-stopper for our four-year-old twins.
It is Christmas Eve. The children are beside themselves with excitement, Day Care having worked the kid’s anticipation levels to fever pitch. Mum has the tree decorated with all the old favourites, the angel that I had made in primary school still taking the top spot, the lights twinkling, a veritable bonanza of colourfully wrapped, beribboned boxes and packages buoying the day’s feverish energy levels.
There are excited squeals, laughter, tears and mayhem. Mum has a CD of carols ready and we all sing Jingle Bells, Rudolf and attempted Away in a Manger, interrupted finally with calls for ‘The Music Box!’
Mum obligingly gets it down, winds the key and the ballet is off. I have a photo somewhere of that moment, the sheer wonderment on the twin’s faces, the little dancer, slightly out of whack, but memories attesting to her enchanting powers.
Time gets away. I had been promising a declutter for ages and was finally under the house, battling the spiderwebs. A box marked ‘Christmas stuff’ surfaced. Old decorations, an angel and a cardboard box – the Music Box. OMG, with bated, breath-holding anticipation, I gently wind the key as a lumpy throat and maybe even a tear fell with London Bridge!

Lowness

Posted in Imagined

There is nothing unusual about shadows. They are synonymous with sunlight; dark, two-dimensional splotches duplicating the world about.

What’s unusual about the present circumstance is that there is no sunshine. It’s midnight, moonless and I am stumbling along the laneway, making my way homeward after a boozy session at the local. I sense, rather than see this shadow, just a few paces behind.

I stop to take a leak. I excuse myself to the supposed nearby humanity, explaining the sudden urgency, my ageing prostate, an unavoidable indiscretion. There is no response. I turn to add further explanation to the shadow’s creator, but there is nobody – just a dark shading across the nearby ground. I notice it deftly sidesteps to avoid foot-wetting.

How many pints? I count a couple of thirst quenchers, then two or three, maybe there were four, as we play pool, and I reckon I have one or two ‘roadies’. Not enough to deaden the ever-pressing regrets, but enough to buoy my egotistical front!

I lean against the wall to get a handle on things. I fumble with the tobacco and papers. Finally, I roll and light a functional smoke. I revel in the forbidden hit to the back of my throat, the delicious sensation as the nicotine threads its way down to my toes.

I am here in the laneway, by myself, save for the ‘presence’ – this dark human form nearby. I am drunk and my wallowing, scornful loneliness is threatening to overwhelm me.

At this point, my legs buckle and I fall heavily to the ground, my back still against the wall, my legs akimbo, splaying out into the road, my bum promising a significant bruise in the morning. My brain is working overtime, trying to find a rational explanation for my here and now. Things are foggy.

I throw out a question; seeking reassurance. I am sure I hear feet shuffling in the gravel and some movement within the dark greyness. There, did you hear that? It was a definite throat-clearing gurgle as I turn to gain confirmation from …? I draw on my smoke, there is a discernible arm movement from the shadow.

Nothing makes sense. My mind wanders around the last few months; the drinking, the hangovers, the verbal stoushes, the breakages as dishes and accusations fly. Consuming loneliness following the final, slamming door. My sober apologies unheeded, weightless but weighing a tonne upon my soul. I am sinking into a deep, deep pit, the booze’s braggadocio, my temporary evening prop, gone.

I wake to blinding light, and a familiar, splitting head. I am crying and snivelling as I sit in the dirt. Where to from here? Dark thoughts, eternity posing as a provocative, circling possibility.

The dark shape sits beside me in the laneway. I see and smell wet trousers and some of last night’s dinner, moist and sunk into the dust.

The shadow rises from the gravel, turns silently and walks off down the lane.

 

*A heartfelt thanks for Carl Jung’s exploration of ‘shadows’.

Grandpa’s got fairies

Posted in Family

I have my old red and green shirt on and I walk over to Grandpa. “Is it time to do it?” He doesn’t hear me, he’s kneeling down fiddling, using a feather to tickle the flower’s inside. He has told me that it is his secret for growing huge, prize-winning veggies.

I try again “Hey, Grandpa!”

”Oh, hello youngster, have you come to help?” I hold up my trowel, “is it time to do it, yet?” “Do what?” I remind him “Grandpa, you said we were going to do the highsints!”

Blankness. “The highsints,” I repeat. An uncertain smile passes across his face. “Highsints, oh yes, we were going to lift the hyacinths.”

I climb up onto his knee and we survey the garden. This is our special place, shared only by him and me. It was for big boys, ‘not for silly little kids.’ He gives me a hug and we sit for a few moments longer.

We saw a family of fairies yesterday, just behind the clump of agapanthus. Their buckets and spades, with their Mum carrying towels, makes me think they were headed to the beach. Grandpa thought the suggestion was impossible, as the nearest beach was miles away!

Last week, as we were digging over the strawberry bed, we had actually seen two wombats, a possum, a goanna, a numbat and several galahs. They were all sitting in the old apple tree. The possum was eating an apple and asked whether last year’s bumper strawberry crop would come again.

The clear blue sky was swallowed by puffy white clouds, the breeze picked up and I got goosebumps on my arms. “Better head indoors for a mug of hot chocolate,” Grandpa says. Mum has made some pikelets and with the plastic step in position, I get the knife and spread strawberry jam thickly. I just love strawberry jam and I remember making it last summer, with Mum and Nannie.

Mum suggested Grandpa supervise bath time. There was a bit of splashing, some spillage as the soap passed around our pits and bums. We all sang ‘Old Macdonald’s Farm’ as Nannie arrived with towels.

I no longer wear pull-ups, not like my dorky brother, or little sister – she still wears a nappy! I’ve just gotta be careful with the drinking and have a big pee before story-time.

I stood on the step and helped make the Pizza base. The other kids help putting pineapple chunks, mushrooms, ham, cheese and as an experiment, strawberry marshmallows on top. It came out of the oven hot and steamy. Yum o!

Teeth cleaning – I love the frothy fizz, and the loo. In bed, Grandpa climbs in between us. He reads about the old bloke who swallows the chook. We all yell the chorus; “By crikey, that’s crook!” Mum and Nannie come in ‘shooshing’, and there were kisses and cuddles. A final dash to the loo, and they reject my calls for more stories.

I love sleeping over at Nannie and Grandpa’s.

We’ve got fairies

Posted in Family

“Grandpa, is it time to do it?” I am concentrating on tickling the aubergine’s stigmata and the tiny voice just wasn’t computing! I heard the voice, I momentarily looked up, but, ah, who was this small person in my hothouse?

I heard the voice again; I heard and identified an impatient whine. “Grandpa!”

“Oh, hello youngster, have you come to help?” Thomas held up his small trowel and had an uncertain look on his face. “Is it time to do it yet?” “Do what?” “Grandpa, stop humbugging me. You said ages ago we were going to do the highsints!”

Highsints; highsints? What on earth is he on about? Highsints, oh, hang on, we were going to lift and cleave the clumping hyacinths. “Yep, we are almost ready Tom. I just need to sit on the bench for a minute, and catch my breath.” He climbed onto my knee and we surveyed our domain.

This was our special place, shared only by him and me. It was for big boys, ‘not for silly little brothers or sisters,’ I was told.

We had seen a family of fairies yesterday, just behind a huge clump of agapanthus. They looked like they might have been on their way to the beach, as they had buckets and spades, and their Mum was carrying towels and an umbrella. Funny that, as the nearest beach was miles away!

Last week, as we were digging over the strawberry bed, we had actually seen two wombats, a possum, a small kangaroo, a goanna, a numbat and several galahs. They were all sitting in the old apple tree next door. The numbat was eating a big red apple and the possum asked when the strawberries would be ready.

The soft afternoon light gently moved towards an evening chill. We achieved the lifting and separation of the ‘highsints’ and I supervised three small people into the bath. The fleet of small boats, all with two funnels, the two ducks and a watering can made for a squishy undertaking but everyone had fun. The brush removed the final bits of garden from Tom’s fingernails and soap was sparsely passed around the mob’s pits and bums.

Nanny arrived and as I extracted bodies, she was ready with towels, pull-ups for the elder two, a nappy for the youngest and everyone was inserted into PJs that had been warmed on the hydronic radiators.

The kids and I made a Pizza base and everyone helped apply pineapple chunks, mushrooms, ham and strawberry marshmallows – a recent inclusion, and it came out of the oven hot and steamy.

In the bedroom, Tom proudly read the sentence about the old bloke who swallowed that chook. Three sleepy heads cheruped the chorus; “By crikey, that’s crook!” Nanny came in and there were kisses and cuddles. A dash to the loo, rejected calls for more stories and quiet started to descend.

Sunday arvo, a sleepover and Mondays are our weekly grandkid-smooze, but thank you, a generous G&T would be delightful

Sebastian and I

Posted in Peccadillos and Pecados

I can stop over before or after Marseilles. I will miss the funeral regardless of my decision, so I go to Rome first, planning Madrid, with free time, afterwards.

Our loving is erotic, comfortable; mostly uninhibited, albeit always within the constraints imposed by an affair. We have been lovers for fifteen years, intermittent, opportunistic, international by circumstance.

I get the email – from the Janitor downstairs – Emmanuel, always such a happy man, ever cheery as we rendezvous, as our schedules provide for loving and togetherness. I am in no doubt he put two and two together long ago; the small overnight bags arrive, mostly singularly. Our agreement was that Emmanuel would be our emergency contact, should ever the need arise.

I am here in Sebastian’s bathroom, rarely ventured before, the mirror fogs as the water steams over my hands. His razor, tissues, toothbrush, band-aids, his blood pressure tablets and a new packet, Nitroglycerin 5mg, made up the benchtop detritus. The steamed glass carries the message “Maybe if… but no! Steph, I love you. Until we embrace again.”

My legs tremble, and buckle – the toilet catches me, wounded, bereft as the tears fall. My chest is heaving, breath forging through intermittent hiccupping, the past tense’s omnipotent being, imposing on my ineffectual attempts to stay in the present!

We shared the cost of this flat, two ensuited bedrooms, lounge, laundry and kitchenette, a stone’s throw from the Plaza Mayor, the old city, a cobbled square, cooling orange trees, benches underneath. The flamenco guitarists stroll, spruiking, wistful expressions ever ready for the wayward visitors, long ago identifying us as unlikely prospects.

He knew but chose not to share the knowledge –never wanting to burden me, the condition perceived as something not to sully whatever linear time we have left. God, he could be – I correct myself: he had been a stubborn prick, at times. He has alerted Emmanuel of impending doom and left instructions.

It takes me a week to get to Madrid. The funeral is done, but Emmanuel gets me the details of the cemetery. I have sunflowers, our favourite statement of happiness, and intended to stay a while to share reflections; say goodbye.

I recognised her from photos; the widow weeds, yellow scarf pushed back off her forehead, and lilies, walking towards the freshly mounded soil. We speak briefly, me explaining that I worked with Sebastian several years earlier in the London office. I brought condolences from several of the longer-serving staff. We part.

I am back at our bower. Emmanuel shares tears as I pass his door, and he agrees to arrange for a local charity to take furniture and other resaleables. I collect stuff: my anniversary cashmere wrap and Channel, underwear, make-up, a few bits of dressy evening gear, and jeans. I close the door on a wonderful chapter.

I momentarily lean back against the door. We were good with each other. The walks, theatre, books, dinners, conversations, the loving. A sniffle.

I give Emmanuel the keys, and a hug.

Attention, counters

Posted in Characters

I do like the roominess of that seat immediately behind the driver, but their head spoils my view. I need to get an uninterrupted vista to ensure I count the mileage posts accurately.

Some councils put the distance markers on the left. This means I need a left-hand seat, towards the very front of the bus. But I notice that some regional bus routes have the signage on the right, some even alternate, between left and right. I must secure the whole back seat to cope with this scenario.

I’m at the head of the queue as my bus pulls into the depot. I am ready, but inexplicably, it parks in the next bay. I admit surprise but am quickly forging my way towards the front of that queue. An old biddy grumbles as I kick her bag. I glare at her; she drops her gaze and my expression leaves her in no doubt about the dangers of the trip hazard her bag creates.

There is a soft, pneumatic hiss as the narrow double doors open. The girl with the baby slung on her chest moves towards the handrail. I deftly manoeuvre my hand under hers and take a proprietary grip on the rail, heaving myself up. She retreats and bleats a softly-spoken “sorry” to my back. I swipe my Myki and survey the nearly empty interior.

The mileage counters won’t start until we take the exit, in 6.8 kilometres – and they will be on the left. I will need a left-hander: perfect, as I slide into the second row. I have my yellow notepad and pencil out. I will use the Freeway’s linear swathe to make any necessary adjustments to my seating. The young mum throws a withering scowl and the aged biddy follows suit, as they both sidestep past me up the aisle. Bugger both of em, I think.

There are a couple of asthmatic wheezes as the bus exits the depot and moves out into the traffic. I hear the ticking of his indicator as he moves across into the middle lane. We rumble along, all sweet and predictable but my senses are tweaked as I hear the indicator again. We are moving into the extreme right-hand lane. Hang on – you’re making a mistake! We’ll miss our exit. Hey, get back into the centre, you bloody fool!

He ignores my silent protests and before I can alert him, he climbs into a right-hand overpass and exits the freeway. This is madness. There’s a marker, E 16. No, no. I look around and spy a right-hand seat towards the back. I grab my bag and hurriedly move. A second distance marker whizzes past.

I note the two markers on my pad and breathlessly start to consider what is happening. The driver is obviously lost. I will alert him to his mistake.

My day is in tatters. I reassess things. Am I missing any counters? Oh my God, is that a marker? Bugger, now I am totally, absolutely flummoxed!

Pardon?

Posted in Gardens

I was up early, wanting to maximise time in the promised warm, dry weather; to catch up on the weeding around the aubergine, bok choy and kale: she had always loved her Kale! I had been paying the blackbirds with bread, to scrape the weeds, but they were on a ‘go-slow’. I alerted them to a pending showdown.

Something was missing from my daily routine, but I couldn’t put a finger on it. No matter, it would come to me eventually. I was in the garden by 10.

An hour in, I saw but ignored the flashing lamp that alerted me to the front doorbell activation. Piss off, whoever you are.

It was Doug whatsit, he had my drill, the one he’d borrowed last month, “just for an hour or so!” We had met at a Men’s Shed shindig, me the newbie and him, as I was to learn, the Club’s dullard!

He was now striding purposefully down the driveway, waving my drill and what could have been a couple of meat pies. “Morning tea and ya drill” he proffered, as he put them on the potting table.

Lip reading had become a recent proficiency, so I obligingly read about his trip across town earlier in the day, and the terrible traffic. Apparently, a dog had run across the road in front of him, and he only narrowly avoided hitting it. He told me about his neighbour, who had a fall last week and had seven stitches inserted. I learnt about his meal last night!

I allow the glazing to descend as I set my auto-nodding and grunting routine into gear. Thirty minutes later, and I’m sure he hasn’t twigged to my hearing impairment. I have learnt about NATO’s latest Ukrainian counter-offensive; seen that Albo has found a rationale for exiting the AUKUS fiasco, and that the government had found and recruited fifteen thousand RNs for the Aged Care sector and extended the budget surplus by five years!

The Bok choy was weeded, and I was just turning my attention towards the Kale as Doug backed into the wheelbarrow and went arse-up. It was like Chernobyl: the barrow went into the potting table, which fell over, tossing the seedling tray, drill and pies high into the sky. It scared the bejesus out of Rover, but only for the time it took for him to smell and realise food was potentially in the offing. He scored both pies.

My chuckle was taken the wrong way. I helped Doug to his feet, but a testy “humph” was thrown at me as he stated his need for the loo. He stomped, unbidden, in through the kitchen.

He was emerging as I was putting the kettle on. We both saw the hearing aids at the same moment: on the table, charging, their green lights winking. The penny dropped as he asked “Are ya deaf, or sumpin?” I parried against his querulous look, “Ah yes, deaf as a post actually, without these little beauties!”

A voice ne’er forgotten

Posted in Family

The portable Olivetti case is battered and scratched. Despite a few decades of dust and grime, I recognise it instantly.

I see Mum sitting uncomfortably on an ancient, low stone wall, the typewriter on her knees as she pounds the keys. There are pictures in the family albums of that Olivetti, well-travelled, always in the luggage, as she and Dad roam the ancient wonders of Ephesus or Knossos, the cherry blossoms in Hiroshima, the jungles engulfing Anchor Wat or the culinary delights on offer in the cafes of Paris.

She is a great correspondent and whilst boarding school offers temporary release from her motherly duties, the weekly epistle of her doings is a delightful, welcome drawstring for me, back into the family’s doings. Sometimes there are little newspaper snippets, a sketch, or a menu included in the envelope.

So it is with emotional anticipation that I gently lift the machine from its dusty repose and bring it down into the kitchen. A few passes with the cloth and I gingerly work the rusty clasps. A spare ribbon and an old red biro tumble out – to correct the inevitable typos!

I lift the cover, and … oh, my goodness, an old yellowing page is still on the roller! She has been writing a letter when the typewriter was put away! How does this happen? Then I remember the circumstances of her sudden death; the massive, irreversible collapse within minutes of her walking through their front door!

It was a letter to me. It was undated, although I deduced from the contents it was written as they made final preparations to leave Europe.

There is a wonderful sense of reconnection, an immediate stripping away of the years, a memory of that sudden, devastating loss. There is the beginning of a moist eye, as I read:

Dear Chris,

We leave Heathrow tomorrow morning and I admit to a sense of relief to be heading homeward. More so than on other trips, this one has become too tiresome, the regular moving between hotels, the uncertainties of our daily excursions – me having to be navigator – you know how I hate maps – while Winston thrills to the narrow hedgerows and laneways. To be honest, it has become a ‘travail’.

While Dad continues in his enthusiastic role of guide, I think I have caught a cold: runny nose, chesty cough, mild headaches and fatigue. I need to stop! So yes, the plane will be a welcome relief.

We treated ourselves to a bit of a ‘knees-up’ last night, a quite wonderful meal at Bradleys. It was very classy and our concierge had recommended it.

I started the evening with a delicately light souffle – double baked leek and gruyere combination; Winston had the soup. For mains we both chose the fish – Hake served alongside fennel, new potatoes, olives and aioli that complemented the fish beautifully. Dad compromised and we enjoyed a bottle of surprisingly good, English Riesling. I wasn’t aware that there was any wine grown here, but it came from Cornwall.

I will finish this on the plane tomorrow.

Mum’s last words, writ nearly forty years earlier; I hear her voice, my memory pitched finely, delivering a warm, enveloping moment!

Heads, you lose

Posted in Imagined

Losing my head was an unfortunate mistake. An invitation to attend the Tribunal Revolutionaire, an all-expenses-paid holiday at la Bastille and then away it went – the ‘national razor’ dropped, and that was that!

Silly, careless when I stopped to think about it. I know I was outspoken, loud sometimes, just a drunken, forlorn bore, but I did enjoy my cousin Louis’ company. He dressed immaculately and was generous, to a fault. Those soirees at Versailles, the champagne, the costumes – merveilleux.

He and I would hunt stag, sometimes pheasant across the estate or enjoy a dalliance in a woodland glade, the perfumed companions always such a joy! These were exquisite times, although head winds were definitely blowing.

Hardly a week went by without some boisterous street protest. La Bastille was bursting at the seams, le Widower was in constant demand, with reports that it has become a hazard even for the executioner, with the residues causing dangerous, slippery surfaces. The peasantry were revolting!

Difficult times were upon us. I was left sightless, at what was to become the Place de Bastille, left to wander – blinded, as the city fell into mayhem and I heard degenerate crime was rampant.

I found eventual refuge in the towers of Notre Dame – splendid elevation, and reasonable security. The only inconvenience was meeting up with that infamous tenant, that windbag Quasimodo. Supposedly gone centuries before, but actually just in retirement. He scared the hell out of me.

But he taught me several survival tips. The deadly boredom of death – the unending non-existence. I needed to amuse myself, to pass the time. I found strolling on the streets of an evening restorative, joining the throngs of deceased, wandering amongst the living. We would compare notes as the revolution swirled around us. Executions were responsible for many joining the outings.

On occasions, Quasimodo amused himself with devilish ‘guest appearances’. He’d laugh uproariously.

I was still unsure of my modus operandi and was often out on the streets by myself, mingling with the left bank set, once even returning to the Place de la Bastille. But the memories were overpowering. Screw them: I never returned!

Time moved at a funerary pace. We heard about the new decrees, promising egalitarian liberty and fraternity. There were decades of unrest. Armies came and went: soldiers, armaments, destruction but our creamy white sandstone towers remained secure.

Centuries passed, new technologies, new fashions in vogue. At some point, the universities poured out onto the streets demanding egalitarian reform. Our cathedral remained aloof, above the occasional spot of social unrest.

In recent times Quasimondo rarely travelled beyond the towers, whereas I needed the stimulation of the nighttime crowds. The laughter, that heady excitement in the cafes. I was back in the towers by daylight.

But it was all about to change! Some bureaucrat decided the Cathedral’s bells needed retuning. Digital replacements were temporarily installed. An electrical short circuit, a fire destroyed the cathedral, and we lost the roof over our heads – so to speak!

 

The uninvited resident

Posted in Imagined

 

It took her several weeks to tell me. I think if she had confided her ‘vision’ earlier, maybe at the moment when we were first inspecting the property, I would have resisted purchasing that beautiful old house.

Its’ acre sat fronting the little river that wended its way through the village; the water easement effectively provided additional acreage, maintained by the council: a bonus. Our laneway was a cul de sac, just us and four other sandstones, all built when craftsmanship and pride mattered.

The south-facing verandah, with the old Ornamental grape, that doubled as a windbreak taming most of the late summer heat, was our preferred Friday soiree venue. Whiskey for Ginette, Ouzo, over ice, for me. We were sharing a plate of biscotti and Taramasalata.

“Do you remember that afternoon when we were waiting for the Estate Agent and we were looking over the fence?” “Yep. It was commanding, wasn’t it? I think I fell in love with it at that moment, more so as we moved through that enormous front door, the bay windows, the lead lights, the ceiling roses, the Baltic flooring, the generosity of the rooms.”

“I saw something!” “Whaddyamean, ‘ya saw something’?” “In that bedroom window. There was an old lady. She had long white hair, staring, silently out, like she was assessing us. You probably don’t remember but I made a beeline for that front bedroom, to introduce myself. There was nobody there, just a noticeable chill to the air!”

“That’s ridiculous,” I countered, as long-held fears started to scramble into my cerebellum; my voice quavering as I asked, “why didn’t you tell me before?” I had a deep-seated fear, childhood nightmares, irrational fear of ‘bears under the bed’.

She started to backtrack. “I’ve never seen her again. I think she may have been a forlorn figment of my imagination.”

Over the weeks, I gradually regained my composure, but then I heard old Missus Friedrich talking to Ginette over the fence. They didn’t realise I was pruning, nearby.

“Did ya see her?” “Yes, she was standing in that front room.” “Mmm, dear old Phyllis, she was a good friend and neighbour to my Mum. I only vaguely remember her. She and Mum would be at this fence for hours, some days. Gentle, but married a bloody bastard. He ended up murdering her, and the rumours were that the Screws ‘did for him’ before they could ‘ang im. A right bastard!”

She continued: “She always knows when new owners are coming. She stands at that window, quietly assessing them. Never known to do anything else, just looks and then quietly fades away. Until the next sale.”

The hairs on my neck were erect, goosebumps raised like sandpaper, rational thought swamped. I was badly spooked. I found myself turning extra lights on when moving between the rooms, avoiding being by myself in the evenings. Yes, total, irrational behaviour, but nonetheless, a visceral fear was gnawing.

It wasn’t long before Phyllis was at the window again.

A ghost story’ include words white, screw, wind and forlorn

Three notes – Johanna

Posted in Imagined

Men! Two husbands and a brother-in-law, dead or as good as! And now I am forced, by circumstance, into an industry dominated by self-important misogynists who dismiss me out of hand. It is time for women to stand up, to unite. I have joined the Social Democratic Labour Party, and steer the Women’s sub-committee. It’s time for change!

My musical and linguistic accomplishments, and my teaching skills all go unused in the hurly-burly of the art world’s demands for exhibitions and promotional soirees. Both are greased with large amounts of alcohol, opiates and braggadocio.

Aah, my Theo, I miss you so. I remember your note, just five years ago, asking me to come to Paris and marry you. We had barely met, just a few times when your work brought you to Amsterdam. Brash, youthful, but interesting. I let you dangle for the moment. I had my studies at the Institute to complete and I had an offer of work in London for a few months.

You never really got over Vincent’s death, blaming yourself for the physical distance between you two; he in Arles, you at the other end of the country, in Paris. Your grief took a toll, adding to the effects of the pox from your earlier whoring. Six months after Vincent’s suicide, you followed him into the soil.

I have little Vincent, my constant joy. We are left with a small apartment, widowhood and the shame of a family suicide. My darling Theo. I have your legacy of over 200 unsaleable paintings, hundreds of sketches, letters between you and Vincent – and no income! I need my wits to turn these intangibles into a livelihood.

Holland and my familial roots beckon. I leave Paris. I teach piano and use my French and English language skills in manuscript translations. I open a small boarding facility. I am making do, but Vincent’s legacy continues as my main project.

I force myself to reengage with the art milieu, following up with Theo’s old contacts, sometimes dancing to the tune of the gallery owners, just to secure one or two of Vincent’s paintings or sketches exhibited. I gift a painting to a friend. It generates interest and two paintings sell!

Vincent’s voluminous correspondence with Theo has marketing value. I compose a note, attaching two of the letters, and send them off to a publisher. They agree to publish and their editorial staff help me prepare the material for print. The initial run of 1,000 copies sells steadily, in the Netherlands, in France, the UK and eventually in the USA. I work on the translations of Vincent’s work into English. It is time-consuming!

I continue to wheedle the galleries. It happens slowly – the long-sought appreciation: sales start to happen on a regular basis and by the turn of the century, Vincent’s paintings, and the works of the others in this post-impressionist movement, begin to be sought by the collectors.

The family gains a steady income. A note from a legal friend advises me to ensure absolute copyright over Vincent’s writing, sketches and paintings remains within the family. In my will I ensure this is transferred from me to young Vincent, and to any future issue. The move is to pay off handsomely.

I am content. My son has married a wonderful girl, their first baby is due shortly. These days I tire easily.

Three notes – Theo

Posted in Imagined

My earliest memories are of the six of us ice skating on the frozen canals running through the centre of Zundert, close to Father’s church. Vincent is a tentative skater, never keen to race with us, preferring the long straights where he would skate at his own pace. As the light closed in, we knew that Mother would have crispy potatoes, drizzled with rich, garlicky butter on the table ready to recharge hungry stomachs.

After school, Vincent used to stop off at Uncle Fredrich’s art supply shop. I watched my brother delight in arranging, rearranging, and then rearranging again the tubes of paint. He explains to me the colours he is creating, based on which tubes are next to each other.

Uncle sent each of us a note, offering us traineeships as we finished our schooling. Vincent was delighted to get out from under the oppressive religious dictates of our father, while I used the opportunity to seriously apply myself to a career prospect. I completed my training and secured a job with the Dutch office of the prestigious French art dealers, Goupil and Cie.

Vincent increasingly went his own way, wandering off with materials supplied by Uncle, into the surrounding countryside. The reality of money to secure materials never seemed to dawn on him and he eventually relied on me for paint, brushes and canvas, my lasting commitment.

The other children went their ways, the girls married off, and our eldest brother apprenticed into commerce. It left Vincent and me together, under the intimate influence of the artistic world, albeit he at the ‘pointy’ end, me supplying the necessaries.

We shared a small room in a local boarding house. I occasionally convinced him to come with me into town, to the cafes, the music halls, and to taste the delights of the brothels. But again, there was a disinterest, withdrawing into his sketching and painting, compulsively, often burning a candle well beyond my bedtime.

I was transferred to the London offices of Goupil. Vincent visited me a couple of times and in one of his weekly notes, declared an intention to move to Paris where the new Impressionist movement was gaining attention. I bankrolled the move.

Our letters were a lifelong habit, his increasingly frenetic ones were often detailing his ideas for a painting, sometimes including detailed sketches, ideas for new colour combinations, shopping lists, and the occasional mention of his domestic circumstances. He rarely responded to the specifics in my missives.

I appreciated his innovative bold colour combinations and his layered brush strokes. Despite my best efforts, he could not realise a sale in the conservative markets of Europe, still favouring a staid interest in the neoclassicists. But Claude Monet and Pierre Renoir were out in the pleine air. They were about to launch a revolution. These were exciting times and my decision to open my own art supply shop was superbly, albeit, accidentally timed.

The gallery attracted a small group of young men, the banter, the cross-fertilization was electric. None were selling their works; all were frenetically decrying the bourgeois surroundings.

I introduced Vincent to the crowd. Gauguin and he struck up a tentative rapport and plans were being made for Paul to follow him down to his newest haunt in Arles, where I had arranged for Vincent to receive help from Dr Rey for his growing medical uncertainties.

At about this time, I married my adorable Johanna and young Vincent was born within the year. Life was good, although Jo miscarried not long after Vincent’s first birthday. We were both devastated, but to add misery to the mix, my doctor was advising that my own feelings of tiredness, and sometimes delirium, might reflect a pox, from earlier exploits!

Things got worse. A note arrived advising that Vincent and Gauguin had had a massive falling out and that Vincent, in a moment of delirium, attacked himself with a knife. Dr Rey has stitched the wound but the doctor reports that Vincent is behaving very erratically.

I convince Vincent to move back closer to me and I have arranged lodgings with a Doctor Gachet, in Auvers sur Oise, just north of Paris, near the junctions of the Oise and the Seine rivers. The doctor runs a clinic for those with mental issues and is also a keen painter. He and Vincent briefly share a passion.

I see that Vincent’s paintings are losing their vibrancy; dark, violent pallets, nighttime scenes, full of almost satanic swirls, dark shapes. I visit him in Auvers and we spend a very happy, settled week together!

It was to be the last time we were out and about. Weeks later I made a frantic journey from Paris. I arrived in time to hold my brother, as his self-administered gunshot wound proved fatal!

Oh Vincent, why? I fear my own mortality as I am increasingly bedridden, nursed by Jo as the deliriums gain intensity.

I am working closely with Jo to ensure she works the market in my absence, to find and promote Vincent’s work. I know Vincent will be her salvation.

Three notes – Vincent

Posted in Imagined

The sunflowers are intoxicating, growing from here to forever, as far as my eye can see, as I pack my easel, paints and brushes onto the trusty bike, and head back. The evening chill is a reminder that summer is faltering, the laneway leaves will be starting to fall, offering a new palette to consider, and capture.

Doctor Rey’s smile is as welcoming as ever as I prop his bike against the old stone wall. We share a pipe and watch the sun shimmer into the distant fields before we go inside. He mentions a letter from Theo that is on the small white noticeboard outside my room.

I sit on my bed and open his letter. As ever there are updates on the family’s Paris doings, plans for a holiday to Brabant, to see our ageing parents, little Vincent’s scratched knee, after a fall from the apple tree, the steady recuperation of Johanna after her miscarriage, and the business.

Theo talks excitedly about his move from London to Paris and the new ‘post-impressionist’ devotees who are starting to frequent his art supply, cum gallery shop. Paul Gauguin; Paul Cezanne and the boisterous crew gathering of an evening to drink that throat-scouring Brittany apple concoction, Chou’chen, or Absinthe in the Montmartre cafes. Theo is keen for me to return, enclosing the rail fare and a little extra.

In the quiet of my room, the invitation rolls around my head. I remember the dismal, cold wetness of the cobbles, the dull gloom of my Parisienne days considered against what I find here, the bluest skies, a hot vibrancy, riotous colours, the friendship of Doctor Rey, the reverend Salles and my little room’s security. I long for artistic company, and write, suggesting the painters consider decamping to Arles.

An advisory note from Theo coincidently arrives on the day that Gauguin steps down from the train. Our first argument is about our quarters, then the food, the heat and my bicycle. We paint frantically, obsessively – the cafes, the spivs, the girls, sometimes pressed even to draw breath between our artistic output and argumentative frenzy. He retreats back to Paris.

My nervous attacks continue. I have a ‘shaving’ accident. Dr Rey stitches my wounds.

The sunflowers continue to hold my attention. I sleep at midday beneath them, dreaming of a ‘School’ forming among their yellowy heads. I exhaust the local supplies of Cadmium yellow, Prussian blue, and Chrome orange but Theo resupplies me. I wake and continue capturing the excitement of these fields until the late afternoon light dictates a halt.

A note from Johanna advises of Theo’s increasing miasma. She is told it is a dimension that leaves him at times wondering who, what and where he is. She implores me to come back to Paris. A compromise is achieved as Theo negotiates my lodgings at Auvers sur Oise, just to the north of the city, with a Dr Gachet.

I write a cheery note, describing the laneways and farmlands beside the Oise. I attempt several portraits of the Doctor, even a couple of self-portraits. Theo visits and we share precious days together before his return to Paris.

He is gone, and sadness descends. I am alone. I paint and the Cadmium warms my soul.

But, it is time, I think. I have the means. It is time.

Protection

Posted in Peccadillos and Pecados

A kitchen knife claimed my attention, protruding from below her right breast, its dark handle bloodied but I noticed, curiously, little else on the front of her pyjamas was sullied. I remember the music machine was repetitively playing ‘Hotel California’. I dialled 000 and retreated, dazed, and confused to her front verandah and waited. Sirens heralded the arrival of ambos and cops.

It all started in October 2021. She bought the house next door; sharing a glass of homemade lemonade on our front verandah while waiting for her furniture van to arrive. It eventually did and her ‘… thanks for the drink,” were the last words we heard from her. No words; no loud, nor soft music, come to think of it; no conversations drifting over the back fence; gardening noises; no accidental flatulence; nothing. Absolute quietude, as though next door disappeared.

Her brother Charlie was in the street as I pretended to fiddle with the irrigation system. He said G’day, explaining that his sister had just bought the property next door. At that moment she came into the street. “This is my sister Jane.” “Janet” she corrected him, fumbling with an explanation that Jane was a bit too ‘Becky-ish’, too many negative connotations! I let that one drift back to the keeper and invited them onto the porch for a drink. I sensed a moment’s reluctance from Janet/Jane but she propped, a little nervously on the couch arm and pretended to sip the cordial.

“So where are you moving from,” I posed and while Charlie said eastern suburbs, she simultaneously proffered western. Again, the foot-faulting explanation of a couple of recent moves. The furniture van finally arrived and with palpable relief, she quickly disappeared. Charlie finished his drink and followed.

I was in the garden for the next couple of hours and saw some magnificent furniture being offloaded. Idle consideration of the western suburbs suggested the pieces were way out of their comfort zone; possibly more suited to the eastern leafy burbs. But it was time to take my sticky nose indoors.

Most mornings, usually before sunrise, I hear her gate noisily open, and moments later her old VW Beetle roundly churbles into life. At some stage during the day, it returns and sits quietly in her driveway, behind those noisy, locked gates. But that is it.

She has visitors: usually dark-suited types, short-haired or shaved heads, driving expensive European cars. I saw her brother occasionally, in the distance, but never to speak to. It sorta felt like we were beneath her purview, infected with some socially undesirable aura.

I was interviewed by the cops. I recalled hearing the deep-throated rumble of big bikes a few nights before I saw her front door uncharacteristically ajar: and the repetitively playing ‘Hotel California’ drifting softly into the street. I knocked, called out and tentatively ventured down the hall.

The Herald Sun was carrying reports of a witness-protection program gone terrifyingly wrong. They also reported a high-profile, criminal prosecution case collapsing.

Tijuana Colitas, anyone?

Posted in Characters

My new, seventy-something neighbour, Mary Jane, often stands in her doorway, or sometimes she sits on the grass verge, actually just a patch of weeds. She always has a dopey look, apparently focused on the joint across the road, the one with the pot-hole in the driveway. She will sit and stare for hours.

I discuss her behaviour with my medically-trained Uncle Dave. He ruminates and then declares that he knows the condition. “She is probably suffering withdrawals, a terrifying time warp, sometimes offering heaven, other times hell,” he says.

It all starts in October 2021. She buys the house next door; sharing a glass of homemade lemonade on our front verandah while waiting for her furniture van to arrive. It eventually does and her ‘… thanks for the drink,” are the last words we hear from her for over a year. No words; no loud, nor soft music, come to think of it; no expletives drifting over the back fence; gardening noises; no accidental flatulence; nothing. Absolute quietude, as though next door is gone.

There is an exception to my observations: after dark, on the last Friday of the month, I hear her gate noisily open, and moments later her magnificent old VW Beetle roundly churbles into life, and off they go into the night. Every month, it is the same.

I eventually succumbed to my own curiosity. I have a nanna nap in preparation for a night-time adventure. I am in the car after dinner as I hear her gate open. I drive up the road and park where I know she will pass. Moments later I am tailing her through suburban streets, finally turning out onto the wide, divided freeway.

At that hour it is a dark, deserted highway, the occasional truck, not much else. I keep my distance, following the pair of red orbs. 40 kilometres later she finally pulls into a surprisingly lovely place, city lights spreading out below. A truck is already there.

I pass them, making a U-turn and carefully return, my parking hidden by the medium strip plantings. I creep through the undergrowth, across the lanes towards the back of the truck. In the stillness of the night, there were voices, I note she rolls and lights up a zephyr.

A cool wind is gently moving through my hair as I creep closer. The night is chilly, I think I hear a deep voiced “Welcome, what kept ya?” before the wind whips the conversation away. Then “… but that’s exorbitant, they can’t charge that! Why the increase?” A gruff response “That’s the offer, it’s what’s available, take it or leave it. I gotta keep moving!” Towards the front of the truck, I see my neighbour proffer cash.

A few weeks later I am enjoying a Spliff n Barbie, the breeze carrying the heady smoke downwind. A face appears, she negotiates the fence effortlessly. ‘Welcome to the Hotel California, such a lovely place,’ she hums as she grabs a sausage from the BBQ. .

Secret bishness

Posted in The North

Just like his father, 50 years earlier, he simply walks over the sand dune and vanishes. The search goes on for weeks, unsuccessfully.

Uluru is halfway between Alice Springs and home. Toby Tjupurrula and I buy a sandwich at the hotel before travelling another 240kms on the rough sandy track towards Western Australia.

The ‘Rock’ is always such a mysterious riddle. No matter the time of day, its ever-changing livery is inspiring. At times it is ochre, turning later to burnt sienna, still later a deep magenta before finally, blackness. Toby grunts as we pass Kata Tjuta, that other iconic piece of the local landscape.

Uluru is bursting with visitors. Locals call them “minga tjuta”, many ants – a delightful euphemism for the seething mass, equipped with cameras, flyscreens, hats and sunburn, milling at ‘The Climb’. They ignore the signage, identifying the area as a sensitive site for the Traditional Owners; many still aggressively asserting their ‘rite de passage’ to what has been labelled as an Australian icon.

Bob Laser wants to meet up with Toby Tjapurula and I. We have more than an inkling about the visit! He accepts the Pitjantjatjara/Pintubi’s quite strict entry conditions, and a permit is issued. We know about his father’s final trip, fifty years earlier, a trip with a younger Toby, and his still unsolved disappearance. The legend of Laser’s Reef, a supposed fabulously wealthy gold deposit, continues to tantalise.

Bob is sitting outside my shack, rolling a smoke as Toby and I arrive. He has the billy boiling and welcomes us with a brew. He discusses the trip, explaining the route, his father’s maps, our role in the expedition and wanting Toby’s encyclopaedic knowledge of secret and sacred sites to avoid. Two days of detailed discussions ensue before we leave.

Bob confides the need to find a certain waterhole. His father’s journal talks about a northerly walk over the dunes from there. Toby is a non-verbal participant in these preparations.

Three days of high, spinifex-covered sandhills. Toby calls a halt and points. He breaks into a liturgical chant as we follow him through the scrub, jaws dropping as the waterhole appears, complete with lush grass, spindly gums and ducks enjoying the watery luxury, in the middle of a bloody desert! Bob’s excitement was palpable.

We pitch camp. Bob reviews his plans and his dad’s old journals. The next morning, he and Toby walk up and over the adjacent dune. They have provisions for a few days. I have watercolours and three days at my disposal.

A week passes. The old Pintubi’s absolute command of his surroundings tempers my mild concerns.

On day ten Toby returns, by himself. “Dat whitefella bin rama rama,” he explains Bob’s madness, an insistence, on the fourth day of his quest, to continue by himself. “I bin waitin’ but nutchin.”

My satellite phone triggers ground and aerial searches for weeks. Bob fails to materialise, and the obvious parallels with his father’s disappearance reignites furious media speculation.

Toby returns to his country.

A sphincter-clenching mishap

Posted in Animals

“I’m over on the Island. Are you able to get over here and finish our bishness?” The telephone line goes dead: George assumes I will come over to his island shack.

His assumption is why I am in this bloody predicament: a rushing, outgoing tide, our boat stuck on an ever-widening sandbar, and a monster, my nemesis, nearby!

I charter Steve and his seventeen-foot Seamaster for the run down the Kulumburru River and across to Lewis Island. George, a senior Pela man, has an island shack and forever finds reasons to be out ‘on-country’, fishing. Shire Council duties can always be relegated down the priority listing when the Threadfin salmon are running! He wants to discuss ideas for opening a fishing camp on the island.

The incoming tide is no match for Steve’s forty-five horsepower motor. We glide down the waterway, the wake splitting the river gently, patches of last night’s dewy mist battling a new day. The trip is uneventful. There are a few saltwater crocodiles on the banks, recharging their batteries in the warming sun. A few others are cruising guilelessly in the water. The Barramundi are jumping at low-flying insects.

Steve has a hand line and lure at the ready, and suggests we ease back the throttle and troll for a bit. I scotch the idea, reminding him Lewis Island is our focus.

George and I are on the beach below the shack, he’s casting a line, while I pose questions about his ideas for the fishing camp. He ‘hooks up, a brief battle, and he lands a beauty, maybe fifteen kilos of silvery, slivering salmon.

Our discussions finish. I wander off to look for Steve and eventually find him further along the beach. He has eight salmon already filleted and cooling in his esky! As we depart, Steve offers knowledge of a shortcut around the bottom of the island. “It will save us thirty minutes on the run back up the river to town, but.”

“OK. You’re the skipper, Steve.”

The ebb tide is gathering momentum as we head towards the channel adjacent to the island. We enter the river’s estuary where high muddy banks are crusting in the midday sun. A few mud crabs are feeding, one or two crocs in evidence, and a colony of flying foxes noisily acknowledge our passage. Golden, sandy shallows appear beneath the boat, and there are a couple of scrapes with the outboard. But Steve is finding the deeper channels. We are making headway: that is, until we run aground. We get out of the boat and desperately drag and push, trying to beat the outgoing tide.

Ten minutes of this and the tide finally has us. The little remaining water drains away. The sandbar grows inexorably, and we sit, stranded, about a metre above the river, on a bare islet, two hundred metres long, fifty metres wide and growing. The water on either side of the sandbar is provocatively rushing off towards the Timor Sea.

“Bloody great shortcut, Steve”, I proffer! It is about one o’clock, the temperature has got to be 40 degrees in the shade, but we’re in the full sun, and stuck until the tide turns, in about six hours! Bloody hell. “Maybe we can get some shade by turning the boat over, but,” he suggests, “and prop it, using the oars.” We grunt and strain, eventually overturning the craft with the two oars deputising as verandah posts.

As I settle in the shade, I am mentally writing up my report, listing the qualities that will ensure I and/or my colleagues never engage Steve’s services again. I don’t think things can get any worse. Then the sandflies arrive, clouds of them, delivering bites to every exposed bit of skin.

My eyes register a movement. As I turn, my blood runs cold, my sphincter contracts tightly, and I confront my worst imaginable fear.

I know we are now in deep poo! Its snout, those teeth, connected to a gently swaying tail. The yellow eyes are unblinking, emotionless, calculating. Gesu mio!

I nudge Steve’s foot and point. I hear his sharp intake of breath and he leans in and whispers “This could be tricky, but!” An understatement, as I wonder if I can outstare those piercing, yellow orbs. What does it see – are we a welcome snack, a diversion in an otherwise humdrum day, a threat, an intruder in its watery world?

I think about what I know of Crocodylus porosus. It’s not a lot: limited to salacious newspaper reports of human interactions. I do remember that several people had disentangled themselves from those enormous jaws by poking fingers into the croc’s eyes!

Steve whispers again. He is wondering about the efficacy of kicking the oars out from under, with us underneath the boat! Mmm, I consider the weight, the difficulty we had in turning the bloody thing over, and I visualise an alternative to the croc’s attack: us pinned underneath, while the tide returns and drowns us!

The croc is motionless, unblinking, continuing to concentrate on the unusual something on the sandbar in front of it. We quietly discuss our options. Are the fish fillets a temptation? I wonder if their smell makes us more of a target and whether or not we might use them as a distraction.

Steve heaves six of the fillets in a low arc, dropping them at the water’s edge downriver from us. The animal’s attention finally shifts. With surprising speed, it is up on all fours, moving down the sand away from us. We’re up, adrenaline pumping and flip the boat back upright. It jiggles a bit, from side to side along the keel, as we clamber over the gunwale, but we immediately draw comfort from our metre-high defence.

“Did you see that bastard move? It must be four or five metres long. So bloody fast, but!” Steve whispers.

Only five hours or so until the tide returns – I reckon about sunset. It’s going to be a long, anxious day, and I am already sunburnt, thirsty and hungry.

From the tumble of things still held under the bow, Steve starts to untangle our survival gear. There is an old blue plastic sheet, a length of rope, with an anchor attached, a couple of old plastic buckets, a boat hook, a half-full, two-litre water bottle, and finally, a bottle of brown liquid.

“That’s brown vinegar, in case of sea-wasp stings, but,” he explains. I look over towards the water’s edge and realise our two oars are still out on the sand, croc-side of the boat. The beastie is still snacking as I jump overboard and retrieve them.

We settle and start to consider things. We jury-rig the blue tarp. It flaps a bit, but we have shade, and we both take a slug at the water bottle.

My belly starts to direct its attention to the remaining fish fillets – raw fish, a Japanese delicacy. The vinegar will pickle the fish! Namas, it will be basic, no limes, oranges or onions to sweeten the brew, but yep, it will work. Steve is keen. I pick up the smaller of the two buckets. “Not that one, but” Steve insists, “that’s me piss bucket!”

‘Gordon bloody Bennett!’ I drop it back onto the deck. I rip up four of the remaining fillets into bite-size chunks and drop them into the other bucket, having been assured it was just used for sluicing water. I pour a goodly measure of the rather rank vinegar over the fish. “Dinner in an hour,” I declare.

A sudden, substantial bump on the hull brings us instantly back to the here and now. The bloody croc has wandered over and is investigating the boat. We tense and wait. It is a monster … and it smells of rotting grunge. It must be almost the length of the boat.

A couple more nudges around the hull, and the animal decides the metal is inedible. It lumbers awkwardly, but meaningfully, back towards the water. It slides in and disappears. We look at each other. Both register relief, but our thirst and hunger return with a vengeance.

We settle in for a wait. It is only another four and a half hours!

The pickled fish was edible and appreciated. Our last water went with four hours still to wait. Steve nods off, along the bottom of the boat. I maintain a watchful presence, but eventually, I too nod off.

The sun is low in the west, and the sandflies are making way for the mosquitoes. There is a glow through the eastern trees, as the forecast full moon starts its climb up into the quiet evening sky. There is a noticeable reduction in the size of our sandbar, and as we watch, the water continues to edge up our beach at a surprising rate.

But there are now two crocs at the water’s edge, watching the boat, unblinking, focused. They are keeping pace with the tide, moving closer as the water advances.

The water is only twenty metres from the boat: the crocs are fifteen! Water: ten metres; crocs: five. We feel and hear the wavelets licking the boat’s keel. Ten minutes later, and the boat starts to swing with the tide, the crocs maintain their watchful presence, albeit not coming any closer.

Another ten minutes and we are definitely floating and being pushed upstream with the flow. Steve tentatively lowers the motor back into the water. The last of the sun’s rays competes with the advancing moonlight, the motor roars into life, and we have an hour of very careful motoring up to the landing, just below town.

We have the boat secured on the trailer and drive up to the pub. Steve’s brother Joel greets us. He looks like he is midway through a session. “Where ya been, Bro?”

“We’ve just been down to the Island. Jees, the salmon was biting sumpin fierce, but!”

‘Serendipity

Posted in The North

Ga-wutj-wutj-ma. That’s his Jawoyn name, Aunty explains. He’s a cheeky little bird, energy levels high, as he flits between an old paperbark tree, leaning precariously out over Katherine’s Low-Level crossing and the thick swathes of Pandanus spiralis, on the far side of the river. The Willie Wagtail lands just above our heads, a small blue-winged dragonfly held firmly, dispatched with thwacks against the branch, and then swallowed.

The water burbles noisily, unhurriedly over the smooth rocks, leaving Katherine in its wake, en route to join the Daly River, 60 kilometres downstream, eventually to meet the salt water 400 kilometres away.

As locals, we were here every evening after work. So did fifty other families. A couple of beers, a swim, parking the Toyota up on the bank, its sideboard down, a gas burner going, the pan sizzling the snags.

It is April, supposedly the early Dry, but the humidity is stifling, absolutely draining, somewhere around 90% and the temperature hovers in the high 30s. We desperately seek the coolness of the water.

The signs advise of the possibility of ‘Salties in the river. We pause to consider the options – a refreshing immersion or a messy entanglement with a powerfully jawed Ginga –another significant Jawoyn identity. We both felt an involuntary spinal shiver as we imagine the meeting with this totemic figure, often seen in rock-art galleries, a motif celebrated in cultural traditions here, and elsewhere across the North.

We have long ago lost our local status, forty years in absentia. Now tourists, ‘blue-rinse’, in sweaty, drenched clobber, desperate for relief. Historic thoughts of croc attacks, unlikely then, ignored now as we jump into the cascade!

There are a few family groups sharing the water. One mob, a little further downstream have their kelpie. He is jumping in and out of the water, barking, total waggery, grinning idiotically, the kids throwing, and him chasing the tennis ball into the water.

The pervading smell of stale urine stirs memories. We look up behind the pandanus, into the tall paperbarks delineating the river. Thousands of flying foxes are suspended, and many tree limbs are broken under their weight. A constant wing movement is keeping the individuals cool, but the evening dictates are astir.

As the light fades the flying foxes start to move. The sky prematurely darkens as they launch into the softening light, off to the nearby mango farms and dinner, or is it breakfast? Tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of them, all following the river downstream.

Fifteen minutes later, it’s gravely quiet, save for the tumbling water, and the echo of distant kids laughing and the dog barking. It is eerie. We leave the water, some indefinable change in mood, maybe the light, the silence has us spooked.

Two days later, twelve hundred kilometres south; in Alice Springs and the NT News reports the dog’s attack in lurid detail, somebody capturing the moment on their phone, illustrating the front page in vivid colour. We sit, comprehension slowly dawning, tears falling.

My viper attack

Posted in Tripping

I was with a group of friends on an outing from our Israeli Kibbutz, Beit Kama. We were walking along narrow stony paths, bordering wheat fields. We had no specific destination, instead, enjoying the sunshine and pursuing an opportunity to get out from under the slightly oppressive blanket of Kibbutzim. I suppose it must have been a Saturday, as we were not rostered to work in the fields.

A few kilometres to our left was the coastal city of Gaza, and on occasional elevations, we could make out the Mediterranean expanse. Twenty kilometres to our right was the Westbank, with the Dead Sea, and the Jordanian border, beyond. Northeast was Jerusalem and to the south, Beersheba, the town forever associated with the Charge of the Light Horse. Such a geographically tiny country, historically fascinating and at the centre of so much international upheaval!

For the locals, the area was forever on alert, and armed guards patrolled the Kibbutz’ perimeter twenty-four hours a day. For us, a ragtag group, drawn from Sweden, Denmark, Belgium, France, the US, UK, and Australia, were collectively known as ‘Volunteers’. We were pursuing the age-old tradition for youthful adventure, extending our limited financial reserves with our strong backs, in exchange for food, shelter and the prospect of a good time.

We worked across the Kibbutz’ various enterprises. Over the three months of my stay, I worked in the vegetable fields, in the orchards, and drawing the short-straw, worked late at night to catch and pen live chickens, destined for the local markets. There were a couple of small factories that I think made specialist radio parts, but they were off-limits!

So there we were, about six of us walking northward. Without warning, I had a snake twirled around, and up, my right leg. I felt a sharp puncture just below the knee, and I had the barest glimpse of an 18” grey and white, thinnish snake as it dropped to the ground, and disappeared.

Jesus, did they have lethal snakes in the Middle East? Cleopatra came to mind; I remembered Shakespeare recording her chosen exit strategy! That raised my heart rate a tad.

The things you do in a crisis! I got the mob to look around, to see if we could find the bloody snake. We left no stone unturned as we searched crevices, tussocks and other potential snake-refuges – all to no avail.

I reviewed my situation. I estimated it would take about 2 hours to get back to the Kibbutz. One of the girls used her bra to tourniquet my thigh, above the bite. I started a slow walk back, while a couple from the group moved ahead quickly, hoping to achieve a vehicle-retrieval.

I ended up walking back. I wasn’t feeling any ill-effects, but I reported to the clinic. The nurses asked me to describe the snake, but it didn’t fit any known species. I spent a couple of days under observation in the medical centre, before returning to the fruit orchards!

Glenelg River trip

Posted in Animals

We had been planning our visit to the Lower Glenelg National Park for weeks with texts, emails and calls zipping between us. We had two sites booked at the Forest North campsite, and arrived mid-afternoon, keen to settle in, set up camp and relax for the next four days. Tents were efficiently erected, gear unloaded, the billy boiled, and a cuppa consolidating our arrival!

We were contemplating a dinner menu when we were surprised at the arrival of a rather scruffy old guy at the site. He just appeared and sauntered up. I must have been busy and missed any introductions but his appearance reminded me of Norman Gunston, minus the cigarette papers. He had cuts and scrapes everywhere around his shoulders, neck and face, but seemingly oblivious of his wounds.

‘Norman’ wandered around the site, inspecting our efforts but offered no assessment. He sat companionably for half an hour or so, and then disappeared, as inexplicably as his arrival!

“Did you see that red neck” I proffered. “Looks like a loser from the Coliseum”, somebody quipped. We decided his Alpha Male status had been effectively overturned and an ex-communication dictating a lonely existence!

We busied ourselves with the evening meal, a warm Chickpea salad, to be followed by stewed blood plums, custard and chocolate chips. Shadows lengthened, another cuppa was brewing and again we had visitors, unannounced, unnoticed, just there, in front of us!

The party was being led by this quite burly little bloke, sporting an unmissable, almost cobalt blue vest. He had four girls with him but had perched himself on a pole near the fireplace, the elevated stature achieving some dominance over the rest of his mob. There was some banter, some etiquette being established as ‘Blue Vest’ hopped down from the pole, and directed the group to tidy up the area where the breadboard had been wiped down.

It was hard to ignore their antics. Blue Vest appeared to have a favourite from his concubine, and they never strayed far from each other. At first, it appeared as though he was tempting her with titbits, but as we watched, we saw them all finding and feeding each other from the detritus of our dining table.

Breakfast the following morning was a busy affair. Norman joined us early and found a pear from a bag on the tailgate to munch, while Blue Vest and the girls found the toast crusts particularly appealing. The meal was interrupted by the arrival of a larger, Yellow-breasted Robin, who without much ado, muscled in on the feast. In the trees overhead, ‘Arrk, Arrk’ announced an interest in proceedings and the call had all on the ground, instantly alert. A “Murder” noisily flapped past as we tidied the site in preparation for the day’s outing. On the drive out, we narrowly missed a close encounter with a mob of striding, gawking emu!

It was all a-twitching on the Glenelg!

Clancy, the Tom

Posted in Poems

For want of better knowledge I sprayed Mortein on a spider,

And the next day t’was found discussing with a friend

If my action was a slaughter akin to keeping cats as pets

And we found ourselves in corners hurling threats.

 

Her defence was unexpected, saying owners do take care

To ensure their pussies never wander here or there

I countered with some data that I drew from boffin Tim,

Of the antics of the wild puss, oh, so grim.

 

I quote three hundred and ninety million lives lost every year

And that was just from pussies in the bushman’s lair

One hundred and eighty animals, or half a life each day

Went to felines who were now just seen as stray

 

Oh that is so unfair to brand him, Clancy always wears his bell

And he never would, never could inflict deathly knell

He has litter in the laundry, and licks himself so clean

And he only eats flavoured kibble, and it’s lean.

 

I admit that Clancy did go out late one recent night

He was with the lady cat next door, mmm, maybe t’was a fight

But I noticed her tum was bulging and a birthing did arrive

Seven little extras duly roam our local parks and drives.

 

I have often pondered widely on impregnations due to Clancy

With his active gonads floating boldly, free and fancy

Now those seven new arrivees did they grow and widely plunder

Free to roam to where the townsfolk rarely go.

 

From Flannery’s research data I now draw and sadly quote it

And I’ve assumed the seven off-spring flourished, and were fit

Seven mouths, seven years, and half a life each day

From Clancy’s just one outing, a total eight thousand lives must pay.

An early exposure

Posted in Family

I need to talk with my brother to confirm memories of that long-ago excursion. Could Mum and Dad have actually allowed it? I still have my doubts, have considered the backstory from several angles, trying to make sense of our parent’s decision to let us loose, unescorted into Sydney.

It was in 1962. I must have been 12 years old, my brother 16 months older, and there we were, several shillings burning a hole in each of our pockets – the payoff for successful whinging-extremis, and Luna Park within our sights.

The family had driven up from Melbourne, ostensibly to put our elder sister on a cargo steamer bound for Europe – the start of her own adventures, and for us, an exotic, interstate holiday. The ship departed, we staying on at a Manly motel, John and I walking down the road to the ferry terminal.

I have no idea whether or not we had caught the wrong ferry or if John, albeit quite a mature thirteen-year-old, was just keen to taste the seedier side of Sydney. My memory has failed on some details but replays a clear storyboard of others. We were on Darlinghurst Road, Kings Cross, neon-lit night, crowds jostling along the pavements, nobody paying any particular attention to the two youngish urchins, wonderment writ large, making their way through the throng.

Touts and spivs, chic femmes, smooth dudes, laughter, alcohol, a vague, pervading smell of vomit, cars cruising the Strip, horns honking and appreciative whistles melding into the noisy hubbub. I have a vivid memory of John suggesting we take up the offer from one of the doorway gents to “… come in and see the show!” Down we went, a steep, dark stairwell, canned music, coloured, Neapolitan lighting pulsing, choking smoke, small round tables, mostly singularly occupied, a stage and a near-naked lady prancing thereon.

Surreal disbelief, emotions still active across these sixty-odd years. Did this really happen? John ordered beers – a blowsy blonde delivered two, full-size bottles – youth an apparent irrelevancy. Tasselled titties were bouncing above a gyrating G-string, high heels close to our front-row faces. I don’t have a memory of any excitement at the spectacle, rather a memory, real or imagined, of protective comfort drawn from my elder brother’s proximity.

Inebriated, I remember arriving at Circular Quay to find that the last ferry back to Manly had departed. Tears spilled, no doubt embarrassing John. We were spotted by a policeman who, given some possibly plausible explanation, arranged for a taxi back to the Manly motel.

Memories survive, but the contextual explanations remain a mystery. My sister has written about what “a little shit” I was, never far from an asthma attack, ever ready to play for sympathy. Was my behaviour behind parental decisions to temporarily abandon us? I bet it was Dad who was putting the reassurances forward, brow-beating Mum into a reluctant agreement. One can only wonder about the pillow talk when the taxi delivered us back to the motel!

Avian antics, and a cat.

Posted in Animals

It’s early, forecast heat still behind the dawn. Daylights’ dissolving darkness. Branches move, as the breeze plays along the street. Tweeting amplifies the quiet, my new day shared.

Blackbird’s gardening, raking, stepping back, probing … breakfast. Galahs above, pass noisily. Off somewhere, kookaburras laugh, apparently signalling rain: I wish. Crows share my scepticism as two maggies swing through close, chortling as I duck, a bloody cat skives across the road, “innocent, your honour, just out for a poo!” The wires above host Mynahs; pointy, shiny, black evilness.

Four thousand steps. Now five. The home straight, and a long-black reward beckoning.

My head and I

Posted in Family

Thursday started with a bit of a ‘spin’ in the bedroom, as I swung my legs over the bedside. Opps, mmm dizzy, coffee injecting the necessary stimulus. I went off into the early morning to prune a leaf or four.

Home, bed, things worse overnight. Doctor sees me swaying towards his rooms. He grabs me and puts a chair under my arse. Without too much intro, he asks what I am doing in his surgery, and why not at Accident and Emergency. He has me touching my nose with my finger, tricky stuff; he has a folder, notetaking! He has an interesting collection of succulents on his window sill!

He rings A&E, alerting them to my pending arrival. “No, I don’t want an ambulance. OK the Receptionist can help you to the car!”

I’m triaged. I sit. I observe the city’s woes from my seat, the tears, trauma, anxious mums. The Triage Nurse approaches, and enquires whether or not I am the son of Wilfred! I advise “a nephew” and am overwhelmed with his effusive outpourings, a moral hero, unjustly treated, now mostly forgotten. He, and his father have read Passport, and he has sent it to India, to his home town for translation and republishing. “Do you have any of his other books?” I invite him to make contact later. Copyright?

Eventually I am comfortably embedded in a bay adjacent to the Pan Room! Discrete comings and goings. Bing, bing, bong, bing, ta ta ta “Resus team to Bay three…” followed a few minutes later with Ta ta ta “Bay three all clear.”

“What is your name” “Chris”, “No, your full name … date of birth, any allergies, I’ll be right back,” and so the evening progressed. “Hi my name is Simona, what is your full … DoB …, have you moved your bowels today?” “Pardon” “Have you moved your bowels today?” Stunned hesitation “Have you had a poo?” tersely delivered! “Two, actually” I meekly respond.

The Triage Nurse passes and I record his quietly whispered name and mobile details, and promise to make contact when back at home! “Such a hero!”

Do ray me, Do ray me! “Attention Response Unit needed level two!” “Hi, my name is Angelika. We are arranging for a CAT scan shortly. We need to take bloods. Ahh, hang on, I’ll get Simona to supervise as I am a 1st year Intern, just starting out.” Bright green shoes!

“Hi, my name is … I have a little intramuscular something for your nausea. It’s going to hurt, probably for quite a while.” It did!

“Hi, my name is Georgiana. Can you tell me your full … DOB. How are you feeling?” Sandwiches, juice and a cuppa follow the scan. I was ravenous – a second pack of sandwiches arrived!

I missed meeting my maker, maybe meaning I dodged a bullet – but met a wonderfully bright, professional, caring, and incredibly busy team. I never understood the numerous bells, hoots, horns and alarms – I presume somebody did?

Benji liked the window

Posted in Imagined

They had met in Sydney – a glassware trade fair – both wholesale agents. A morning coffee break, pleasantries, small talk, stolen glances, private assessments, later compared. ‘Coincidental’ shared lunchtime seating and a little gentle parrying from both parties. He inquired about her evening’s plans.

She broke a dinner engagement, he flicked the pub, and they enjoyed a little bistro just off George Street, in the Rocks. The Assas Chardonnay bubble was a wonderful start, and later, the half-bottle of Brown Brother’s Merlot richly matched their interest to learn more of each other.

Their responsibilities offered periodic opportunities, loosely fitting around the glass-trade circuits. They supplemented the interludes with letters and stolen nights in European capitals, at the annual Australian fair, the US circuit, throughout Asia.

The relaxed friendship, sparking intense electrical intimacy at a touch, anticipated, a total focus as his plane landed. He was heading towards her apartment in Fritzgasse. Three days to the start of the Fair. He needed a gift. A florist shop spied, the taxi waited and a 600mm, small, potted Ficus Benjamina was bundled in. He had been told that he often gave odd gifts but possibly proprietarily, Benji came from Australia. There was a beautiful turquoise pot to round off the planting.

They both loved galleries and rarely missed a visit to the exhibition featuring in whatever city they were in. The Impressionists were shared favourites and one springtime, in Paris, they stole two days and went down to the riotous colours of Giverny. There was a weekend in St Petersburg, with the Hermitage at their disposal.

They travelled incessantly, a trade fair network that meant they shared each other’s company in Rio, London, Beijing, Shanghai, New York, Paris, even the occasional escapades – Machu Picchu, Angkor Wat, Honk Kong, the bleakness of East Berlin.

Over the decades he saw Benji grow, reaching for the ceiling, revelling in an easterly facing aspect. There were new, larger pots, branches starting to fill in the window and one year, he was advised that the Janitor had fielded complaints from the tenants below, reporting a sagging ceiling!

He bought a pruning saw and secateurs, and over several evenings, their pruning works were disposed, surreptitiously into rubbish bins along Fritzgasse and Erdbergstrasse. Benji didn’t mind the haircut and the tenants, from below, had moved out.

He’d had a cancer scare, a month or so at a hospice, incommunicado. While emails now largely replaced their letters, his Inbox for several months had only delivered utility bills and offers for Drone X, fit bits and holiday specials.

It was a sleety, cold, grey afternoon as he made his way to Fritzgasse. He climber the familiar stairs, the three flights seemed steeper these days. He knocked. A young woman answered the door. “Bitte? Nein, nein. Entschuldigung. Die alten dame ist gestorben”.

He could see over her shoulder towards the window; Benji had gone too!

He shared a coffee with his memories in their little corner café. Tears tumbled, the coffee undrunk, cold, his balance disordered, unravelling. They had not planned this ending.

Ashley and Taylor’s decline

Posted in Domestics

They had shared the corridors for years. Ashley’s room looked out over the park, while Taylor’s caught quite a lot of morning sunshine. They shared many interests, even shared the shaggy dog that locally ate, wagged, and shat. During the recent Covid, they had taken to walking the pooch on the trail that circled the nearby park. It got them all out of the building for their Stage Four-regulation exercise!

They shared a newspaper, although each was careful of the need to unfold, de-crease and reassemble it back to page one. The crossword and sudoku were photocopied, each competing for speed, neatness and accuracy! The quizmaster’s role was turnabout and followed their shared evening meals, prepared in the kitchen, again on rota, and eaten in the dining room.

They shared a laundry, but agreed that the extra water, electricity and powder was a small price to pay for the separate attention to their own ‘smalls’!

There were occasional arguments, and disputes about the legitimacy of including ‘cine’ or ‘info’ in the Target, as neither could remember the outcome of the last time they sort referral from the bloody Macquarie! Routine had become the taskmaster, and it seemed to reduce the need for decisions!

The garden sometimes saw heated debate about whose turn it was to mow the grass. In recent months it was becoming noticeable that the chores were slipping. They were also seeing and smelling a cat, evidently taking a liking to the porch, and shitting in one of the corners! Chilli-flakes were now liberally sprinkled, and Ashley was suggesting a cat trap, to relocate the bugger!

But it wasn’t all a bunch of roses! Taylor sought quiet time to read. There was an established beachhead in a big comfy chair, positioned to catch the morning light. Questions wafting up the passage about options for an evening meal were ignored! Similarly, Taylor’s suggestion, from the Netflix’s menu, rarely achieved agreement.

On their weekly visits, the kids were noticing the disquiet, the increased distance along the passage between the rooms, the neighbourly formality that had replaced their once intimate playfulness.

Competition

Posted in Gardens

Every year, as the bleak Ballarat winter started to falter, and with the appearance of the occasional warm, sunny day, my sister and I would start to get a bit antsy with each other. We would avoid gardening talk, and actually, in recent years it got to the stage that we would avoid visiting each other’s gardens. We still talked on the phone every week or so, but we didn’t mention our vegetable-gardening exploits, AT ALL!

Talk of dinner menus was on the cards. She told me about a recent triumph with a pork belly – “… the skin was about half an inch high, golden, salty and beautifully crackly…” she crowed! I countered with my recent cumquat marmalade success. I went into great detail – the nifty way I had developed to de-pip the fruit, the decision to spend the extra effort slicing the fruit into 2mm strips, instead of just halving them; steeping the fruit overnight before boiling, sugaring and bottling. I mentioned that I was having great success holding back on the quantities of sugar, without affecting the Set!

Of course, we both knew the elephant in the room, but neither was going to acknowledge it, or give it any air! The stand-off would continue for months – a dinner invitation might be tendered, but countered “Oh, bugger, we have Emily’s birthday party on that weekend, and we promised to fly up and share the occasion!”

I had put a lot of effort into bed preparation. The composting had been a labour of love, many hours encouraging the worms, nurturing and ensuring the green and brown quantities of the mix were balanced, and a little regular watering. To raise the temperature, I had thrown a tarp over the mix, and I had sweetened the pile with a couple of handfuls of blood and bone! I didn’t think that was cheating.

I had heard that Tibetan monks took a planting queue from the heavens, only ever planting two days after the first full moon in July. I had that day circled in my diary and was ready. The seeds were sitting in the warmth of the kitchen window sill for a couple of weeks. On the auspicious day, I was up early. It was bloody cold, a slight frost but with beany, and longjohns on, I was ready.

The seeds went into drills along my string-straight rows, each planted 10mm deep, about 25mm apart, and with the same distance between the rows. I mulched the bed heavily, believing that this early planting and the blanket of mulch would give me a useful head start. As I sat back with my cuppa, I acknowledged Tibetan expertise with a salute of my raised mug.

The winner would be declared in October, and I deliciously contemplated that dinner invitation. I would serve lamb loin chops with the first of my new broad beans in a light minty sauce, maybe sauced cauliflower, on the side. Surely, this year my broad beans would beat hers, hands down!

Weasal words

Posted in Politics

I was taking time out, kicking back after finally winning the prestigious nature-photographic competition – and a hands down win too, I might add. I was wandering in a hitherto unexplored stretch of forest and suddenly, in this space, there it was, as plain as day!

I cannot remember ever seeing a weasel before but there, not fifty metres away was a long, slinky animal with its iconic reddish-brown fur. I was sure it wasn’t a ferret, or a stoat.

It seemed to be transitioning through some unprecedented event, possibly an incapacity to pass excessive gas, judging by the rhyme and rhythm of its antics. As I watched I sensed it was possibly over thinking how it was going to move forward. It snapped, screamed, kicked and at times walked backwards in its frustrations, caught in a space that offered limited, if any temporary targeted or proportionate opportunities of escape.

I found myself musing on the possibilities of keeping a weasel as a pet, training it, possibly even upskilling its capacities into a new normal? I wondered if this was just a numpty idea. But the concept just kept returning – the notion of reskilling a wild animal.

Success would certainly tick a few of my boxes – imagining a trained, performing weasel providing a circus draw card, leading to substantial future proofing of my rather parlous fiscal outlook, easing mortgage originations and providing a timely break from my unprecedented, structural unemployment status.

I started to consider my capture-techniques and aspirational powers.

Ashley and Taylor revisited

Posted in Domestics

The Lockdown was shifting the relationship. Throughout the autumn, and the dank winter months, the couple were housebound. Yep, sure there were the park walks with the pooch, even the weekly, masked drive to Aldi, IGA and the new-found Asian Grocer but further afield was off-limits. Friends were no longer able to pop in for a cuppa and a chat. But it belatedly dawned on them that they weren’t particularly concerned.

There was a new rhythm, rejigged routines, a lighter pace. Taylor bought an e-reader and within a week of its homecoming, Ashley followed suit and the pair agreed to download the same books. It morphed into a petit book club.

Separate, photocopied Quick crossword, Sudoku and Target remained as the underpinning of their mid-morning mental manipulations, the inability to easily venture out had brought the Cryptic also into play. The ludicrous clues sometimes brought forward an argument, but increasing bouts of laughter, occasionally lewd interpretations and guffaws! A loudly exclaimed “What on earth does … ‘an indication of emotion from an unknown number before first session amid returning noise (10)’… mean?” brought the pooch looping in from the kitchen, concern and angst writ large on its face!

The household was softening, but while snoring and doona-snaffling kept two bedrooms occupied, there was now a lot more kitchen togetherness. They had started to collect The Age’s Adam Lieu and Kylie Kwong’s Home Made supplements, and their shopping lists began to include coriander, limes, vegetable and sesame oils, oyster sauce and a couple of styles of soy. Fresh bunches of basil, baby Dutch carrots, fresh ginger, Singapore and Udon noodles were in the basket, and while Ashley chopped, Taylor worked the wok! The kitchen felt laughter again!

The television still didn’t inspire, apart from an hour on a Wednesday evening, quizzing with Tom and manically giggling with Micallef and his team. A friend had paid for a Netflix subscription and had explained how to use I-view, but within 24 hours, neither Taylor nor Ashley could remember the operating instructions. A good Roquefort, water crackers and a delightful, albeit pricey Taylor’s Chardonnay made Wednesdays a weekly celebration of contentment.

Sunshine and warmth were returning with the spring, and there were shared weeding hours. Marigolds were sewn around the roses and fruit trees, ostensibly to attract lacewings, to munch the aphids! Ashley finally went for a medical test, resulting in the fitting of a hearing aid. There was an admission that much dialogue, music, birdsong and the background hum of their suburban existence had remarkedly, returned!

There was a large glass, half full of water supporting a bunch of tangerine, lemon and plum-coloured, stemmed roses, freshly picked from the garden.

Covid, despite all its ills, had brought a new rapprochement!

Pollyanna’s optimism

Posted in Family

Brrrarp – as Polly’s sleepy mind regained consciousness. A cheeky smile followed the emission, and there was a conscious effort to keep the doona tightly scrunched down against the sheet, working against her instinct to roll over, to look at the clock, to stretch. A minute, sometimes two, and then a long, irresistible series of stretches before springing out of bed and making a beeline for the loo!

Peeing cleared the way for her smile to start marching across her face. A couple of stretches followed, a scratch as she ambled into the kitchen and flicked the coffee machine on, another short pherft …, a bum-wriggle and a short wait until the red changed to green and the gurgles and squawks heralded … coffee! She allowed herself a second, short black espresso after the shower.

It was going to be a glorious day, and already the blackbirds were working the mulch below the kitchen window, scratching purposely, beaks at the ready to pounce. There were two pairs of birds, each interrupting their foraging to throw their gloriously beautiful song back and forth across the yard! Why do people have such a set against them? Yep, they throw the mulch off the beds, but it is not a big deal to push it back! They repay the inconvenience in spades, she thought. I might start a Blackbirds for President movement!

Polly mentally prepared today’s list. At some point there would be shopping – urgh! She parked that thought, moving across to the more enjoyable opportunities! Mmm. There were the two bales of pea-straw to distribute, some chicken poo to dole out, that Blood plum she had bought a few weeks ago was desperately crying out to be grounded!

Of Hell. She remembered that her sister Jamie, and her stupid husband said they might pop in later in the morning! What on earth does she see in him? He is so dour, pessimistic – nothing ever goes right in his world. He will drawl on about his latest mishap.

Bugger it! He is not going to spoil this wonderful day! I’ll move the deck chairs off the verandah onto the lawn – the sunshine will surely lighten his bleakness. I’ll bake a banana cake, with passionfruit icing – Jamie’s favourite, yep that’ll do it.

Polly had the cake coming from the oven as the doorbell tinkled!

Maralinga’s* lament

Posted in History

My Grannie told me about the time the country finished up. That sun came down over the land – the kangaroos, wombats, snakes, flies, crows: just about everything melted. A terrible wind blew, howling like a lonely, sick dingo, sucking life up into a big hole in the sky. The ground melted into a hard sheet, covering the hills and our mother, our country. A deafening silence came. It settled across our blackened, Tjarutja lands. We can’t go to our country no more.

Mobs went missing. Hunters, mums and kids got really sick, as campfire stories everywhere told of the emptiness, of a really bad place. We can’t go to our country no more.

The whitefellas went there. Years later we heard that tourists go to that Maralinga place, to see and hear the stories of the sickness, of the time when the army men from Britain – where the Queen lives, came in planes and trucks, and made the sun come down and burn everything. A bus takes the tourfellas for short-trips – that land still got too much sickness! We don’t go to our country no more.

Blokes came with bulldozers, dug big hole and buried all the country inside. That big hole is covered up – they call him Taranaki They built a big fence around some other land – sign says “Plutonium – keep out”, forever, they reckon! We don’t go to our country no more.

New blokes came and took pictures. They walked around, talking. They got camera that can see the country, underneath. They wrote a story, saying the country looks like Oman, that country overseas where everyone rides camels. They say Oman got lots of petrol underneath.

We don’t go to our country no more.

Poor bugger me; worrying, maybe, but no country, To look after we.

(* Maralinga was the site in remote, north west South Australia, the traditional lands of the Tjarutja people, that was unilaterally gifted/leased by the Australian Government to the British, to conduct their atomic tests between about 1956 through until 1967.)

I think they were from Jupiters

Posted in Peccadillos and Pecados

I almost gave up roulette forever, after losing my shirt, in about thirty minutes, at the Monte Carlo casino. But not quite!

In the summer of 1975, $2,500 was a heck of a lot of money for a young divorcee, licking wounded pride in Europe. I had this failsafe system, refined on a toy wheel in my Darwin living room, tested at an illegal joint in Queanbeyan and in Hobart. 18; 29, 7, 28 and 12, five consecutive numbers, ante always straight up – potential 35:1 returns. That was it. I walked out of Hobart with several thousand dollars. I didn’t do that on the Riviera!

Forty years later, a work trip took me within taxi distance of what was still branded as Jupiter’s Casino. I frocked up, a tux, hair slicked, $4,000 provided by the bank, and I was at the tables.

I sipped a soda, lime and bitters on my stool. Despite my long abstinence, the sounds, the lust, the intoxicating atmosphere reached for my soul, immediately!

I watched the croupiers across three tables, their handling of the pea, their spin techniques, timing the intervals between staff changes. They changed on the half-hour. OK, on a staff change, me seated, buying in, settling, that would give me twenty-four minutes of play. Three minutes per spin, eight plays.

There was a tall skinny redhead, she had a particular mannerism – she was squeezing the pea into the wheel. It was a consistent foible. I liked that. I watched the Hot/Cold number record: none of my numbers were featured during her 30-minute shift. That was good, better odds into the next 30 minutes! Sixty minutes later, she started a shift on a nearby table. I moved, buying $4,000 of table chips. I was ready.

$100 straight up on each of my five numbers! Three. $100 straight up again on the same numbers. Seven drops in. $3,500 moves across the table to me! The pea then visits Fifteen, then Twenty-One. Twenty-Nine drops in, another $3,500 heads my way. Two hosts the pea, then Seven again, another $3,500. Three drops and the eighth spin: Thirty. I’m on the right side of the ledger!

Staff change and I cash in, retiring to my corner and another SL&B. I deposited $2,500 via their ATM. The remaining house chips, in my jacket pocket, provide a seductive pulse. I wait, enjoying the tangy Lime and Bitters combo. I watch my girl, she returns to a different table, and I move in, buying my $4,000 table chips.

Some people say my system is as boring as batshit. I retort that I am not in the entertainment business! Same numbers, same ante. Three of my numbers in a row, Seven, Twelve, Eighteen, then four numbers drop against me, and with the eighth spin, Twenty-Eight. Mine! Net position $10,000, plus the $6,500 from my earlier foray. Not bad for an evening’s work! I cashed in, deposited the $14,000 into the ATM, had a G&T and left.

I was pre-absorbed with my success as the cab took me back to my Air BnB. I didn’t notice the grey Alfa also leaving Jupiter’s. The cabbie dropped me and left. The Alfa pulled up, two guys got out, casually walked over, ostensibly seeking directions. My mouth was tapped, my hands’ cable-tied, a blindfold secured. I was left in the garden, my wallet lifted and they were on their way!

I arranged replacement cards and bought a new wallet. I told the cops that I thought they were from Jupiter’s! Next day, I flew back to Darwin and I’ve never, ever played the wheel again.

The Rosetta Curse

Posted in History

Academic order was turned on its head, all because somebody found an old stone! You probably thought Egyptologists were above politics, happily translating their hieroglyphics as per the early nineteenth-century Rosetta Stone interpretations. But sadly, no!

Although not widely reported, except within archaeological journals, there was the quite serendipitous, 1942 discovery of the missing upper half of the Rosetta. Rommel’s tank divisions were bogged in the eastern Egyptian sands. A dozer, helping to extract the behemoths, nudged a rock – and away went the accepted modus operandi – fluttering feistily off into the Khamaseen winds.

One rogue archaeologist, Herr Bertie Heinrich did the hard yards, locked away inside Berlin’s Egyptian Museum for several years. Heinrich’s eventual paper declared that the original Rosetta translations, done by the British at the turn of the nineteenth century, and refined by the French twenty years later, had got it wrong. You can imagine the smouldering irritation, academic indignation, nationalistic fervour, and the coup delivered to remnant members of the Third Reich.

Let me briefly remind you that the Stone had already been at the centre of international controversy. It had become one of Napoleon’s forfeitures, following his defeat, by the British, in the 1802 Egyptian Campaign. For nearly 150 years, French academics were refused access to the British Museum.

While no one was doubting the general veracity and significance of the ancient Egyptian, Greek, and Demotic scripts to archaeology, there emerged a thorny problem surrounding the interpretations.  Academic traditionalists held that the stone revealed the decree of the Divine Cult of Pharaoh, Ptolemy V. Our German friend contended that this was an incomplete interpretation.

Heinrich argued that the upper half of the Stele explained in great detail the ritualised role of the Inner Temple priests, their duties, in the event of the Pharoah’s death, a duty to protect the holiest Temple rituals, if political instability ever threatened. There were also details of a curse surrounding the Stone, promising a grizzly demise upon any intruding infidels. The academic establishment, of course, dismissed any suggestion of a Divine Cult.

Heinrich wrote in great detail of his reading from the Stone about the embalming of Ptolemy’s father, presumably written as a guide for those to come. There were intricate explanations of how the body was to be drained of fluid, the herbs and spices to be used in the replacement elixir. There was another warning to the operatives, to anticipate and prepare for the viscosity likely to be encountered in removing the brain tissue and the larger internal organs.

The Germans, defeated in 1945, quietly revelled in the controversy surrounding this academic squabble. Papers were written, countered, and press releases appeared in the mainstream media supporting one perspective, over the other.

But by the ’60s, animosities had softened, the French were back researching at the British Museum, UK Egyptologists were accessing Berlin. Then disaster. Both sections of the Stone disappeared. Three researchers vanished as well, and were subsequently found dead, in fact, mummified at the British Museum, their bodies neatly secreted into a sarcophagus. Another two deaths were reported from Berlin!

Slogans – a reflective journey

Posted in Tripping

“So think about what is most important to you about this community. Put thoughts on the stickies.”

I am at the whiteboard, marker pens and yellow stickies distributed to the assembled stakeholders. The Mayor, two other Councillors, Council staff include the CEO, the Business Manager and the Tourist Officer. There were eight other prominent, ‘ordinary’ members of the community.

Morning tea had provided me the opportunity to mingle, to establish my can-do’s and we were now ready to start the distillation, drawing down thoughts, throwing marketing wizardry around the room, gaining stakeholder commitments.

It was 1987 and I was on a role. Six Local Government bodies completed, nine to go. It was “money for jam”, a consultancy to end all consultancies, and I had landed it. Recruiters had sought expressions of interest from suitably qualified marketers to assist Local Governments to identify, develop and promote their regional strengths.

Freshly graduated from my MBA, I was the full bottle, absolutely squeaky, an early convert with a website, and an email account. This was my first consultancy, but I was confident that I could nail it! I had won the Newell/Oxley delineated transport route – Shires covering Moama through to Byron.

It was a time where aspirational statements were all the rage – everyone needed a shorthand quip to reaffirm who and what they stood for. Psychic Telemetry had arrived from the States, along with the early forms of psychographic segmentation, new, essential tools with which to dazzle, refine target audiences, potential new investors, tourists most suited to your patch, zero in on the unwary!

“The Murray River is our core”, said the Echuca/Moama Mayor. “Proximity to Melbourne” said Sarah, the Business Manager, “Friendly people” said Alex. We were away, the yellow stickies were starting to flow, thick and fast. “We’re Country folk, and friendly, too”, said Phyllis. “We need to control where visitors wander. If ya let’em, they’ll leave poo tickets behind every tree” said Jim, from the Friends of Echuca Association.

“What do you think the visitors value about their visit?” I posed. “Riverside camping”, “a camp fire”, “access to shops”, “boat launch facilities”, “good coffee” “country hospitality”: yellow post-its filled the board. Lunch arrived. Informal chat as sandwiches were munched, juice glugged. Everyone engaged, exciting side play, even Jim, from the Friends group, was enenthused.

That’s it folks. I restated the process from here, a promise of a draft report within the month. I thanked everyone, collected the post-it notes and moved on to Deniliquin.

·         Echuca/Moama – “River Country”

·         Deniliquin – “Home of the muster”

·         Narrandera – “Gateway to the Riverina”

·         Bland Shire – “Nothing dull & boring about Bland!”

·         Parkes – “Home of the Dish”

·         Dubbo – “The hub of the west”

·         Gilgandra – “Linger, enjoy, grow”

·         Coonabarabran – “Discover new horizons”

·         Gunnedah – “Open new horizons”

·         Tamworth – “Opportunity & commerce”

·         Armidale – “Unleash the opportunities”

·         Glen Innes – “Celtic country”

·         Grafton – “First city on the coast”

·         Ballina – “Coast & hinterland”

·         Byron/Lennox Head – “Don’t spoil us, we’ll spoil you”

 

Tenterfield reflection

Posted in Politics

I (together with the UN and Malcolm Turnbull) had birthdays last Sunday, 24th October. I drove through Tenterfield, on my way to the NSW north coast. I belatedly discovered that on that same day, 125 years earlier, Sir Henry Parkes, one-time NSW Premier, delivered what has become known as the Tenterfield Oration, a general ‘call to arms’ for the peoples of the seven Australasian colonies (the seventh being NZ) to unite and form the one Federation!

Travellers approaching Tenterfield from the west first notice the Henry Parkes motel on the left. Looking further along Rouse Street, a large sign heralds the Peter Allen motel, the town’s other famous son. Two hundred metres further, on the right (extreme?), is the office of Barnaby Joyce MHR, soon-to-be former leader of the National Party and Deputy Prime Minister. I hesitate to call him the 3rd famous son.

The juxtaposition of these three pieces of real estate struck me immediately. Referencing the father of Federation, the man joyously heralding Australia as his home and the man who leads a party doing its darndest to split Australia asunder – “the weatherboard and iron “battler” versus the “woke inner city raving lunatics” – all cheek by jowl, on the main street of Tenterfield. What karma is at work?

I might ask a savvy journo to consider this situation further.

Water trading corruption

Posted in Tripping

It has been a long day on the river, too much sun, sore muscles and it was pleasing to have the Amity secure, the fire alight, and the second beer about to be broached.

We note another couple, one hundred metres or so downstream, and as the stubby tops are opening, Gail, wielding a plate of nibbles and Ivan, esky in hand, monologue-in-mouth, approach. “G’day, nice boat. Been fishin’? I’m Ivan. You gotta table to put the nibbles on. Oh, this is the missus, Gail.” Ivan briefly retreats, returning with two camp chairs.

River protocols are upon us, it seems, or is it simply the fact that we obviously have firewood and a cheery fire on the go. Regardless, there is a neighbourly arrival.

“Er G’day. I’m Bill.” “Yep g’day, Chris” and “Hi, Steve” completes the circle work, as our camp table is brought out and the semi-circle forms. Ivan’s bare chest make a statement. Gail’s chest, squished into a smallish, Richmond AFL jersey, reiterates a relaxing holiday escape!

“Wheresya from? Whees’ from Bendigo. Love the river, and this South Australian bit – wide, deep, the cliffs, great!” Gail passes her snacks around, while I mentally consider what we might have in the dry goods store, to complement the cheese squares, sliced cabanossi and alternating red and green cocktail onions. I draw a blank, but Steve noodles deeper, and finds a box of Shapes.

Ivan quickly moves on to his deep love for fishing this river, the holiday shack they have on the Edwards, the family holidays, the boat, water-skiing. Bill demonstrates knowledge of parts of the Edwards “Yep, Balranald, Moulamein, and those tricky channels”, before the spectacular Cod catches, some that got away, the problems with the bloody Carp, and about how some bastard had left a dozen to rot, next to their shack, again seeks ascendency. He and Gail match each other, beer for beer – possibly one of their matrimonial necessities?

I mention that I come from Ballarat, but the “Jees that’s a cold hole!” indicates that that line of social intercourse isn’t going to fly! We learn that Ivan has a construction company. I’m not sure if we learn what it constructs but the boat, the shack, the free time spent on the river, demonstrate that Ivan assesses he is a successful constructor.

Gail endorses titbits, as their adventures are told; the delight of the kids, whenever the shack visits are on, the cubby they build in a nearby gum, their enthusiasm and skills behind the boat. She passes the cheese squares again. More beers, more shared glories from Ivan.

I notice that Steve is engaging Gail in a side conversation. It takes another couple of minutes before Bill and I are able to switch channels, to politely disentangle. “I count money” I hear Gail declare. “Waddaya mean”, we collectively query, and I sense a bit of a party starter. “I am paid to count money. I work for the Bendigo Bank, and my job is to count the cash deposits coming in from across the state.”

We three are tuned in, obviously an appreciative break from the previous piscatorial monotone, but also expressing a genuine interest in what sounds like an intriguing job. Ivan starts to recount a particularly exciting Cod episode.

“I thought we were all using credit cards.” “No way, you’d be surprised how much cash is still sloshing around the system, especially through the fast-food outlets! Maccas, KFC, there the biggies but JB HI-FI deposit lots!” Gail has our total attention.

“I usually count about twenty to thirty million dollars every day. I have a machine that does most of the counting, but I am there looking for damaged or counterfeit notes. Ballarat and Warrnambool are the major counterfeit hubs; fifties and one-hundred-dollar notes!” “Do ya get any coins?” “Yep, but we don’t bother to count ‘em, simply accept what their deposit slips declare.”

“So how do you pick the dodgy notes?” “There are a couple of tell-tale signs. The polymer notes have a very precise weight, the machine is calibrated to not only count but to actually weigh every ten-thousand-dollars. It stops if the weight doesn’t tally, and I then go back manually and look through the hundred individual notes.” We pause, grab another drink, a cheese cube, and Gail continues.

“Counterfeiters try to get their hands on the polymer blanks, but they are held securely at the Mint. They mostly bring paper in from Thailand. But it doesn’t have the same look and feel. My fingers pick them straight away. You know, last month we had two-hundred-dollar bills that were only printed on one side! Can you believe it?”

From the corner of my eye, I could see that Ivan is getting a bit antsy. He floats ‘… outrage at the National’s ongoing water trading scams… ’ – that’s desperation for you. He starts to wiggle his arse in the chair, he inspects the now empty, esky. He takes the last piece of cabanossi and then proffers a throaty cough. He stands, declaring that it is “time to get tea on the go.”

Gail stands, a twinkle evident in her eyes, probably confirming that with a mob like us, money will usually out-interest fishing. In farewell, we note a grin, that we discuss later around the fire. We take it to mean that there has been a movement within some marital, point-scoring log. “We probably find eight or ten counterfeit hundreds amongst the stacks every day, not so many fifties. Be careful with those green notes, boys” as she turns and follows the esky, chair and Ivan back towards their camp.

Over our chicken casserole, we continue to reflect on the intricacies of the cash economy, the jobs that none of us would ever have imagined existed, the technology and the intervention and reliance on humanity, to make these finer calls.  We finish the evening acknowledging Ivan’s point about the lack of integrity surrounding the water trading activities within the Canberra bubble. Disgraceful bloody corruption!

Breaking the drought

Posted in Peccadillos and Pecados

I had been chasing their ‘Account’ for months and the call from Scotty, in Marketing suggested I was finally on their radar! He wanted a face to face, to discuss their previous campaigns, targets, budgets, placement mix, and their kpi’s. He was keen to meet, suggesting Friday.

I was excited, quietly confident that my longstanding reputation for razor-sharp cut-through would again deliver sensationally persuasive “… words from our sponsor”. But not wanting to rush, I was able to postpone the meeting for a couple of extra days. That would enable me to prepare my material, to undertake a reflective SWOT-analysis against what I had seen of their previous campaigns, and to ensure I would deliver precisely to their specifications. I went down to our Anglesea shack for a couple of nights.

I had not won any new Accounts for a couple of years and had found solitude to be a necessary tool when I needed to think. To avoid any distractions, I had generously provisioned myself before leaving Melbourne, including a few aged Merlots, some classy Roquefort, a crusty loaf, oh and an aged Malt!

The computer, the cheese and a small whiskey were on the table. I opened the laptop and considered my approach. I sipped the whiskey – oh my, that’s good! I took it with me to the wide, panoramic window.

The sea was a dirty, roiling fury below, blurring where a paynes grey horizon met vast, luminously pregnant clouds! Seagulls wheeled, and I noted a couple of wrapped souls, tramping along the beach. I loved this outlook. We had bought the shack four years earlier purely on the strength of this view. I added a tot more whiskey, savouring its wonderfully smooth, sherry-oak nose. Mmm, this was going to be an excellent Account to win.

The bottle shop didn’t open until eleven on Saturdays. I needed to restock, and I knew they had a great range of whiskeys! I chose a Macallan 15-year-old malt; what the hell, I got a second one.

Back at the shack, the ice tinkled as I wandered across to the window …

Misplaced

Posted in Tripping

“This is silly. We passed that clump of trees on our way to the car. Remember the way that branch, yep, that one on the big old gum over there, on the right, sorta looks like a body, arms outstretched? We commented upon it.” Nancy nodded, and a slight shiver moved down to her hand, onto my arm. I quietly took comfort from recognising that tree, not wanting to countenance any suggestion that we might be off the track.

We had been to the car to get our camping chairs, now slung off our shoulders; not heavy, just slightly uncomfortable. “We’ll be at the campsite shortly,” I volunteered, as we both heard voices in the distance, some children’s playful squealing. We soldiered on, along the narrow, dusty path.

Fifteen minutes later Nancy expressed surprise that we hadn’t arrived at the glade where we, with the kids and grandkids, had pitched our tents a few hours earlier. “It’s just around the next bend”, I proffered. Another ten minutes, the afternoon was closing and we both felt that sudden, subtle drop in temperature, as the evening nudged the day aside.

I saw that same old gum tree, but it was on the left. How could that be? I didn’t mention it, but Nan tentatively queried its squat presence. I privately wondered how it had changed position, surely it’s a different tree? I took us both carefully off the centre of the track and came up to the tree.

“Whose tracks are those, heading back that way, hang on and that way, and there, again,” I posed and we looked down into the dust, seeing a jumble of tracks, hither and thither. I lifted her left leg and checked the imprint on her sandal. Mine too, as we acknowledged our previous, several passings, writ large on the track. There was still plenty of light, we just needed a moment to reorientate ourselves.

“Are we lost?” “Of course not. No, no, we have just taken the wrong track back there. I suggest we retrace our steps back to that last intersection, and she’ll be tickety-boo.”

I was starting to feel the chairs, just a bit heavier. We’d been carrying them for maybe an hour, and I could feel a bit of a rub on my shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind a drink, have we got that water bottle?” “No, it’s back at the camp. We’ll be back there shortly.” I gave a half-hearted ‘coo-ee’, feeling a bit of a dork, as I delivered it. The air was still, quiet, save a distant kookaburra responding to my call. I could hear cicada’s too, pitched against the hitherto unheard silence. The bush too seemed to be settling for the night, quiet, exuding that particular Australian, eucalyptus sort of smell, clean, fresh, bushy.

“Nance, I reckon we have taken a bit of a detour. The kids will be wondering where we have got to, I betcha they’re posing lewd suggestions!” Nancy giggled, a little too nervously, but gave my arm a reassuring squeeze. “What are we going to do?” “Well the 101 Getting lost in the Bush manual says stop walking. Wait for somebody to find us. I have a lighter. We’ll light a smoky fire – it’ll ward off the chill, keep any mossies at bay, and provide some beacon for the kids!”

We scratched around, gathering the necessaries and had it lit in a couple of minutes.

There was a surprising comfort provided by that fire, a sense of normality, boundaries restated. It cheered us both. I let a few more coo-ees go up into the ether. We chatted, wondering what the children would be saying about their missing Nannie and Grandpa. Would they be worried?

Of course. But surely the four of them wouldn’t come looking. They’d split up. Jeanie would stay back at the camp with the children, Rob would be out here: somewhere! I thought I heard a noise and I let a full-throated call issue forth. We both held our breath, listening intently. A minute, another. Nothing. Had we heard something? There, that was a crack, a stick breaking. We moved closer to each other, another crack, a thump, as two wallabies broke cover and bounded off across our clearing.

I looked at Nan “Well at least the wildlife are at home!” We collected a bit more firewood and sat. We were both cooeeing at regular intervals, with the evening chill circling, ever want to waft around to the backs of our chairs. The mopokes, several families I think, tossed their ever mournful, syncopated night-time chorus between themselves. We stared into the fire, both of us drawn to our own reveries.

“What if they don’t find us?” “They will. Maybe it won’t be tonight, but we heard the children not long before sunset, so we aren’t that far away from them.” “Well, why can’t they hear us – our calls?” “Mmmm. I don’t know.”

I was wondering the same thing. Surely we had just drifted off the track. Thank God we had jeans on, and jumpers. It might be a long night! Nan mentioned her thirst again, and noted that we would not be taking our tablets tonight!  We hunkered down, grateful for the fire.

At some stage, I drifted off. I dreamed of a night, long ago. I was working in Arnhem Land; our vehicle had broken down on the Bulman to Maningrida track. I was with Michael Brown and we were walking the fifty-odd kilometres back to town. Despite the tropics, it was a chilly, dry season night.

Michael showed me a trick to generate a little warmth, and sleep. Three small, smoky fires were lit, with space for us to lie down between them, a fire at each side of us, sharing the one in the middle. We positioned a quantity of wood at our heads, to feed the smouldering fires as they died down during the night. I remembered a fitful night, stones digging into my shoulder, hips and knees, but snatches of sleep achieved.

I heard, maybe felt Nan crying. “Hey, it’s OK. We might be spending the night out under the stars, together. People pay a fortune for this experience.” “Yes, but they have a bottle of sparkling wine, cheese, strawberries and a comfortable bed” she hiccupped. We both laughed.

Nan positioned another log onto the coals and our attention again drifted towards the coals. We both must have dozed off, slouched into the chairs, hands intertwined.

I awoke to Nan’s screech, torchlight in my face, Rob hugging her. “Am I glad to see you two. I have been out here for ages.” He unshouldered his day pack, handing Nan a water bottle. We both drank deeply and we disregarded the doctor’s orders, and each wolfed down a chocolate bar.

“You led me on a merry dance. I have been following your tracks – around two long circuits. I am not sure how, but you’ve ended up in the next valley from where we are camped. Not far from here, really. I reckon less than a kilometre but there is a range of hills in between. I eventually saw your campfire.”

We still go bushwalking, but not camping. We each carry a small daypack, water bottles, muesli bars, a light jumper and each pack is equipped with a lighter and a torch.

Seaweed in hand’s worth…

Posted in Politics

Australia’s American-built, nuclear subs arrived in 2049 and were deployed almost immediately on an extended, secret mission. In fact, they were kept ‘off the surface’ for fifteen months, moving surreptitiously around the Pacific, poking around the kelp forests of the South China Sea, around Hawaii, Japan, New Zealand, looking, sampling, forever on the move.

But the crew were tired, cranky – they all needed a surface break; sunshine and the sky, to see the horizon, to feel a breeze! Arguments were breaking out regularly, things were tense. They also needed to know the actual rationale behind their extended voyage!

“Senile, indeed! I’ll have you know that there is absolutely nothing amiss. The results reflect the agreed methodology.” Captain, Dr Ahab stormed out of the lab, slamming the bulkhead door as he left. The crew shuffled, uncomfortably.

“Mmm, that went well”, observed Ishmael, to nobody in particular, moving across the pod, picking up the interim report, scanning the pages. “I think he’s right. We might still need a bit of tinkering, but we’re on target. Stubb, maybe you and Starbuck could run those seaweed analyses again – keep looking for that tell-tale oxidatic marker.” Ishmael went in search of the captain.

The League of Governments had confirmed Nori’s adrenal-thyroid oxidative (NATO) properties from analysis of a small sample washed up on Bruny Island, two years earlier. It demonstrated a capacity to counter the ‘new normal’, the devastating, post-pandemic lethargy that had settled over the planet.

But finding sufficient Nori was proving to be the contemporary ‘Golden Fleece’. The race was on, nation against nation, scouring the depths in the hope of finding the ‘mother-lode’. Synthesizing and cornering production would be a world-beater!

The oceans were awash with submariners and on more than one occasion, HMAS Matilda had had close encounters with other vessels. They thought they had cracked it a few months earlier – near what had been Tuvalu. The drowned nations of Kiribati and Nauru had offered similar, false excitement.

Meantime, Ahab and Ishmael were in the Command module. They had agreed it was time to unpack the secret statement, sealed, and safely secured in the small safe. But the door had jammed. They sprayed the hinges, inserted screwdrivers, swore: all to no avail. Another squirt of WD 40, a shared bar of chocolate, and they waited.

The lubricant eventually worked and the tiny hinges creaked open. The safe had a single sheet of paper with the words, writ large ‘FIND AND SECURE NORI – Make Australia Great Again!’

Unknown to Matilda’s crew, both Tonga and Timor Leste had both found quantities on their beaches and their laboratories, with Indian financial backing, had achieved a synthetic form.

Matilda kept searching the ocean’s depths!

Innamincka and beyond

Posted in Tripping

I am sitting in an Adelaide boardroom listening to colleague, Lisa talk of a forthcoming trip along the Strzelecki and Birdsville Tracks, to Innamincka, Birdsville, Mungeranie and Maree. I have my ears pricked attentively as she talks of her recent appointment as Regional Tourism Manager and of a need to make contact with some of her more distant ‘operators’, to say g’day and get a feel for the lay of the land in the distant, north-east corner of South Australia.

A priority task for me next morning is to check the diary and make some fast calls; which appointments can be postponed, which can be brought forward. An hour later I was on the phone to Lisa pressing my claim for a seat on the trip. A couple of “yeps” later and I was on the phone to colleagues explaining a pressing and unavoidable engagement.

We rendezvous at Quorn on Friday afternoon. A few hundred dollars later, Woolies has the car full of the necessities for life – some really smelly camembert, a stilton, roll mops, lumpfish roe, tinned dolmades, pate, a bottle of Johnny Red, another of Bombay Sapphire, tonic, an assortment of bread, biscuits, a yard of cabanossi (to munch as we travel), cashews, a couple of tubes of Pringles and ah, what else? Oh yer, some healthy vegetables, water, coffee beans and smokes, a carton of tailor-mades for Lisa and two rollies, for me.

Dinner at the pub gives us a chance to go over the trip, to check off lists of to-dos – extra fuel, water, food, booze, smokes. “I reckon it’s just ‘bout all done” she says as I order another couple of beers. I ask Bruce the barman about the weather forecast for the next few days and “… wouldn’t have a clue, Mate”, was the informative response.

I am up a tad before ‘sparrows and a first smoke and I meet under a clear, innocent sky. It is chilly but offers the promise of hot, dry warmth to come. The Southern Cross is standing on its head, the night shift finishing as Venus tries to outshine the approaching light. I roll another smoke and contemplate the Morning Star, that potent Arnhem Land night watchman and referee, the boss dictating an end to nighttime Bungal.

An off-stage, orange fireball is approaching from the East, silhouetting in absolute blackness, distant hills. Pastel colours move in, some pinky-yellow washes and my reverie is broken with the thwack of the screen door slamming. “How’d ya sleep? Jees this coffee hits the spot!” as we sit companionably broaching the new day.

We throw the swags and bags into the back of the 4WD, load boxes of tucker and check that the Engel is working! How did I survive 25 years in the Territory without one of these marvels – a car fridge! I remember tinned Frey Bentos pies, tinned stews, vegetables, warm beers and mouldy bread.

It is at Parachilna, as we pull into the Prairie Hotel that we remember the 2 empty water tanks! We fill them and accept the offer of coffee and cake. Publican Jane also shows us the walls of the interior where inadvertently stones containing the oldest known fossilised lifeforms were used in construction. Ediacaran fossils, dated about 550 million years old, where discovered here in the 1940s. I also realised that this was the area that supplied the slate floors for our Darwin house, 30 years earlier.

There are a few young backpackers mooching around the hotel. I wondered why they were there and Lisa explains the growing significance of the northern Flinders Ranges for young international travellers.

They look decidedly out of place – sunburnt and red, shorts, thongs, new akubras and some with flynets. One youngster strums a guitar and a bevy of buxom, scantily clad young things lounge nearby. While we sip lattes, a friendly Kelpie saunters up, sniffs to ensure our cake is OK, lifts a leg on the nearby verandah post and leaves. A flock of red-tailed cockatoos squabble in a gum across the roadway.

The road north passes through Leigh Creek – that oft mentioned spot in the weather report. I belatedly take on the realisation that this place is a mine – we stop and look through a high wire fence encircling a huge hole in the ground, a long conveyor belt that is responsible for towering mountains of coal, trundling Wabco trucks, and an industrial tangle. I don’t think I ever made the connection of this to “…hot, dry, 33 degrees at Leigh Creek.”

The bitumen abandons us as a family of emus scoot across the track in front of us. Lisa is driving and swerves around the last chick. “Jees, that was close, and with all of this country – ya gotta wonder why this moment was chosen to cross the bloody road!” She is a little shaken and reaches for a B&H to steady her nerves.

We munch on a length of cabanossi as the rough gravel stretches out before us. Talk turns to the hassles of Local Government and their difficult relationship with tourism. “I had a meeting with Joy the other day to explore funding subsidies in the next budget. Her only issue is the cost of maintaining the public dunnies in Port Augusta.” “Yer, I used to get similar responses from some of my Councils, too” I offered in support.

A billowing cloud of ochre can be seen in the distance. A yellow blob at its centre starts to take shape and in the next minute or so evolves into a thundering road train, 50 metres of steel and rubber desperately trying to outrun its dusty veil. “Ya know they have 72 tyres on the road and about 6 spares” was gratuitously offered and met with “Yer. Da ya wanna drive?” “OK”

The country was changing. Low mulga was giving way to cassia, spinifex and saltbush, small spindly gums and sand dunes paralleling the road in a north south companionship. The soil had changed colour too – from a dusty orange to somewhere between Gold Oxide and Burnt Sienna. There had been recent rains and I think I remembered hearing “…patchy rain for Leigh Creek…” not long ago.

We stopped to boil the billy beside a long water-filled ‘borrow-pit’ – the scrapes created by road maintenance crews when they needed surface fill. There was a flock of ducks loudly protesting our arrival. “Ya gotta wonder about ducks in the desert, eh! I mean, are they lost or sum’ent?” We chuckle, smoke and settle with strong black tea.

I was reminded of another time, maybe 25 years earlier when I was living at a small community on the WA/NT border, out from Uluru. I was driving the community ute, loaded with 6 or 7 old Pitjantatjara men. My lead man was old Lungkata and we were travelling out to his country around Lake Mackay. It was late October and as hot as hell. I thought we were vaguely following a sand dune-restricted, westerly direction. Not so, as Lungkata tells me to turn very precisely in between a narrow opening in the towering dunes. On resuming our course we abruptly came upon a small rocky outcrop, a crop of reeds and what I suspect is some water. A thump on the cab roof told me to stop the car.

Lungkata led a low chant, quickly picked up by the others as everyone leaves the Toyota, with thigh slapping and hesitant steps towards the outcrop. Before being told to withdraw back through the break in the dunes and camp, I saw a mob of ducks flying up from the grubby pool.

“We’d better keep moving or we won’t make Innamincka before dark,” Lisa breaks into my reverie.

We kick the fire out and get back on the track. There is a lot more sand drifts across the road, a couple more trucks and we see in the distance a complex of white tanks, pipes, dereks, low buildings and a sign advising us to Stay Out. “Cooper Basin oil and gas complex” advises Lisa.

I was seeing a new side to South Australia that I had only vaguely been aware – here amongst the redness was a sizeable industrial richness. We pass a couple of more mining sites as we move steadily north towards the Queensland border. Twenty minutes south of Innamincka we come across another one, this one immediately adjacent to the track.

We learn later that night at the pub from workers that this complex reflects a Japanese consortium seeking to harness “hot rock” energy sources. Apparently the earth’s crust is quite shallow at this point and they are drilling a 12” diameter hole 7,000 metres down to tap into the 270degree temperatures. The intention is to force water into the hole, generate super-heated steam that will be directed into a second, nearby hole that has been equipped with an electrical turbine.  The guys told us that the hole is now so deep, and the temperatures so hot that they can only drill for about 30 minutes before the drill bit melts – necessitating spending 48 hours lifting the rods and replacing the bits!

We had made camp beside a long waterhole, Cullymurra, part of the Cooper Creek system about 2 kms east of town. A fire was pulled together as dolmades, olives, scotch and water appear. I had earlier marinated fillet steak and as it hit the griddle, the garlic, soy, Dijon and cold-pressed oil quickly brought taste-buds to the fore.

A quick couple of beers at the Innamincka pub brought the long day to a close. Swags were rolled and Lisa’s gentle snores from across the fire lent a gentle domesticity to the camp. I too drift off, a satellite blinking overhead and a couple of long, shooting streaks rushing to the horizon register in a rapidly slowing mind.

“Jees, didja see that dingo last night? It was into the griddle with a vengeance” I admit to a deep, unbroken sleep as I stir the mulga coals into action and get my old black billy on for coffee. “Wherdja get that Billy?” asks Lisa of my spouted veteran. “I reckon it might have been from the store at Yuendumu, out west of Alice. Years ago.” Spouted billy cans were always popular and practical. Campfires and billies – mmm as the words of Dick Diamond’s 1950 musical form in my head. I start to hum and then sing:

I’ve humped my bluey, thru all the states

My old black billy the best of mates

For years I’ve tramped and toiled and camped

Though the road was rough and hilly

With me plain and sensible, indispensable

Old black billy

It’s a lazy day spent mostly doing bugger all. A bit of reading, yarning, interspersed with some historical sightseeing. Here we were at the site of one of Australia’s most celebrated cock-ups – the ill-fated conclusion to Robert O’Hara Bourke’s continental crossing. I had just finished reading Susan Murgatroyd’s novel, Burke and Wills and we’re here!

We drove east beside the waterhole for about 20kms crossing briefly into Queensland and back again into SA to stand at The Dig Tree, that infamous tree inscribed by their back up team, instructing Burke and his party to dig for residual supplies. The irony, of course was the fact that the support team had left only a few hours before Bourke, et al actually returned from their trip to the Gulf of Carpentaria.

We visited the site of Bourke’s and subsequently Will’s death and later that afternoon joined a small group of travellers on a punt that quietly motored down the Cooper to the spot where the only surviving member of the trio, John King was eventually found, in the care of the local Bardi people.

Innamincka, so small and dusty yet so sought after. There’s the pub, a focal point for the many thirsty travellers, a small general store, a few corrugated shanties and the old Australian Inland Mission hospital, now hosting National Parks and an interpretation of the natural, cultural and historical significance of the area.

We spend another evening at the pub and try not to overhear too much of the traveller’s banter. Like so much of Australia’s inland regions, the area is being over-run with a steady stream of four-wheel adventurers. They arrive in all shapes and sizes, both the vehicles and the travellers. Vehicles are decked out with myriad bits of essential kit – wallaby jacks, pvc water tanks, shovels, extra jerry cans of fuel, vhf radios and tall aerials. The drivers are here to escape winter chills, to try their hand at off-road adventure. They breast the bar with fly nets jauntily pushed back off dusty headgear, livid sunburnt right arms poking out from T shirts emblazoned with I’ve been to Birdsville and survived decals.

We move on, across the Cooper Creek towards Mungarannie, about 500kms further west, on the Maree to Birdsville Track. A missed turn adds an extra 100kms to the day and raises fuel anxieties. The recent rains have left the two-wheel ruts boggy and a tad slippery until, of a sudden we literally turn a corner and from low acacia scrub, we are confronted with an unending dry gibber plain stretching to sunset.

This is Sturts Stoney Desert. There is a burnt sienna, high sand dune to our right, on the left, the gibbers. It is startlingly dramatic. Such a sudden contrast and to absorb the change we stop, boil the billy and open a can of dolmades!  G&Ts also seemed appropriate but bugger, we were bereft of a slice of lime so had to do without. Such decadence sets the tone for the remainder of the day and primes us nicely for our late afternoon arrival at Mungerannie – the pub, not the station homestead.

Lisa is expected and welcomed with hugs and kisses. There was a round of introductions as I meet the locals “G’day howsyagoinmate – thisis Chris” and we again find ourselves breasting a bar. A long, whispy salt and peppered beard has the name John – the publican. He has a glint in his eye as he knowingly throws the cork from a fresh bottle of Bundy.

Word spreads that Lisa is back in town and the local blacksmith, a couple of ringers, John’s missus Shirl and a few others blow in. The CD-player is cranked back to the 70s and the talk turns to The Drive, last year’s tourist extravaganza, the Outback Cattle Drive that first brought Lisa to these parts. The Drive attracted thousands (if you believe the subsequent reports) from SA’s main domestic and international markets, for a dude-cattle drive, sectioned into two and three night parcels between Birdsville and Maree.

As the rum flows, the Drive is on again. Somebody has got a stock whip and nimbly misses the assembled crowd, demonstrates the finer points of the “Double Cracker”. Tables and chairs are pushed to the far wall, later removed altogether and the party gets serious. At some point biker mates of Johnnos appear at the door on their Harleys and decide the overnight dew might damage the chrome. The bikes quickly replace lost chairs and one by one the boys decide to wheel stand the front wheels onto the bar! As the rum flows, someone suggests burning rear tyres into the floorboards and down to the joists!

I remember staggering through acrid smoke and mayhem, mumbling something to somebody and falling off the front verandah. Oblivion.

A couple of crows are perching somewhere above me – I wonder how they got into my room? The guys were right about the dew – my bed is soaked and come to think of it, the mattress is bloody lumpy, too!

I prize open an eye and stare into the questioning gaze of a mongrel bloody dog. God my head hurts as I stumble up from the garden bed, picking a couple of forlorn Dissy Lizzys from my shirt. I look around in case of witnesses – the coast is clear and I head for the kitchen to get coffee on the go!

I nurse a head. Lisa appears an hour or so later and I hear Johnno and the bikers in the bar – hacking coughs, the cha ching of a bottle top hitting the barroom floor. “Wanna Bundy , whatsyaname?” I shuffle on and inspect the deep burn marks in the floor.

Lisa agrees to beat a retreat. We stop 50kms down the road and cook up some greasy snags to quell delicate stomachs. Strong black tea and a few Asprin help to pretend sobriety as we drop in to a few more properties enroute down the Birdsville to Maree. Lisa is mostly pensive, quiet and I suspect feeling as seedy as I.

A 100kms out from Quorn we spot a big Grey kangaroo on the side of road. She’s recently tangled with a vehicle and not dead. We stop and I walk back. I hate this bit as I raise a stick and put her out of her pain. There is a little joey anxiously hovering. I kneel down and he hops over and head first straight into the neck of my jumper! I estimate he is about 6 months old, fully furred and standing about 25 cms.

I’ve been adopted and I thank heaven that an immediate decision has been taken out of my hands. Lisa knows of an animal refuge in Quorn, hoping that the little guy survives the trauma of his predicament. We phone ahead as we near town and they suggest we bring him over in the morning. He sleeps that night in a pillowslip, snuggled up against my warmth.

Its Friday again, pre dawn and the stars are at it again. A roster sounds a call somewhere and I contemplate the trip. It has been an exhilarating week, a vast emptiness on the map now populated with new country, new faces, places and experiences. I was surprised at the extent of the mining activity, the changing landscapes, flood outs, semi-permanent creek systems, sandy and gibber expanses and the chance to yarn with and learn from the locals.

Back to the office and a mountain of dross awaits, next week!

The intersection of bad cooking, an argument and a bird’s nest.

Posted in Domestics

The sticky mess flies high, arcing towards the huge gum tree growing off the back deck. ‘Thank goodness that’s gone’, I muse, as I march back inside to resume loud protestations against the efforts of the would-be cook.

Twelve eggs, 100 grams of Beluga caviar, a goodly measure of thinly sliced prosciutto, plain flour and a cup of French fizz – ‘to give it a lift’, he says, is wasted. It is one of the most expensive omelette disasters ever attempted; now gone to the heavens. I am ropeable.

The caviar is a treat, bought with some budgetary trepidation at the Prahran Market yesterday. It, and the bottle of Moet, are to be the centrepiece of our celebratory family gathering, following the children’s return last week, from their Balkan adventures.

The weather is absolutely perfect: one of those days that you want to bottle – late teens, heading for the mid-twenties, cloudless, a gentle zephyr tinkling the wind chimes, low humidity. The kids are arriving mid-morning, and I am downstairs washing the windows. It is nearly two years since we’ve been together as a family unit – I am humming a tuneless piece, reflecting my growing anticipation.

And then the bloody omelette! How could he? We now sit down to eggs, grilled tomatoes and some rancid bacon I find at the back of the fridge.

Excited, bubbly chatter largely overshadows my funk. A new apron, a souvenir from Dubrovnik, a small imitation bouzouki and a bottle of Grappa. Stories tumble over each other: missed trains; beach parties; new friends; drunken escapades; ancient cities, and Adriatic cruising.

The scratch brunch drifts towards a sleepy afternoon, me snoring on the couch, the kids retiring to the bedroom. John stacks the dishwasher, snivelling as he revisits the morning’s disaster.

With the kids out at the cinema, we have the evening to ourselves and the argument recommences. “Half the weekly shopping budget blown!” “What were you thinking?” Recriminations explode like hand grenades.

It takes a couple of days for my indignation to settle, but detente is eventually achieved; white flags are waved and normal communication resumes. I know I can sometimes be a prig; but that bloody caviar!

It is a few weeks later, and I am mowing the lawns. I have forgotten about my food-disposal routine. Mid-morning carolling from our tribe of magpies, seven of them, has me looking up. Four metres from the ground, where the foliage is starting to thicken, a new nest is in evidence. Our tribe are out on adjacent limbs, possibly riding shotgun for the expanding family’s fortunes.

What is that white slickness poking out? It looks like a rubber mat and I get the ladder and climb to a nearby vantage. Not rubber, exactly, but rather our ex-omelette, neatly inter-spliced with the sticks and feathers. I had to laugh. I hope someone enjoyed that Beluga!

Back on the lawn, I continue to chuckle, realising philosophically, that one family’s disaster can morph, and provide a useful supplement to fill another’s needs.

Insects

Posted in Animals

“Look at those monsters”, an awe-struck Thomas said. We were lying down on the lawn using the new, hand-held magnifying glass I had bought, looking at what lurked beneath. Thomas saw a small ant busily racing along a pathway. Several more passed, all intent on ‘something ahead’. Thomas suggested that if we could see their faces, they would probably have a ‘worried look’. “Why do you say that”, and he replied, “Look at the way they are hurrying. It must be because they are late for something.” A considered, 5-year-old observation.

One of the ants found a crumbly bit of pastry from the pie we had shared for morning tea. We watched. It didn’t like the tomato sauce splodge, but there were tentative, exploratory nibbles, on one side, around to the other, back to the original side and then away it ran. We decided it was off to spread the word about the pastry.

Sure enough, there were now three of the little blokes working the crust. They cut it up, each holding some, before, on some unheard instruction, trundling off along their highway, crumb fragments held high. Thomas thought they were going to be a huge birthday party, at a friend’s place.

We saw several slaters mooching along, much slower than the ants, lots of legs frantically working, feelers twitching, some going in one direction, others just milling around. There was a shiny trail on the grass near the ant-path. A small snail slowly slithered along.

“Yuck” said Thomas. “Mum doesn’t like them, ‘cos they eat the veggies”, he declared.

We rolled over onto our backs. The dampness seeping into our clothes could be felt – but the sunshine was far too enjoyable to worry about wet clobber. Our eyes were scrunched tightly shut against the brightness. Tom had the magnifying glass up to his face and I could see enormous eyes through the glass. I put the glass to my face. We both giggled.

We heard a nearby buzzing. We peaked around but couldn’t see the bees. There were several large, flat rocks forming a garden edge. As we looked, we could see several small black shapes flying into a dark crevice, beneath one of the stones. We established that actually, there was a lot of insects flying to, landing on and then walking underneath the stone. We looked closer.

They were dark with lighter stripes on their bums. Little native bees. We watched them, noting patches of yellow ‘gold’ on their hind legs as they approached the entrance. It was gone when they flew off. There was a constant flow of traffic and Thomas again passed one of his delightfully observant comments about an airport! He wondered where the flight controller sat. I suggested maybe in one of the nearby plants. For my troubles I received a withering look of disdain.

I pondered briefly of telling him about my adventures with native bees and their ‘sugar bag’ produce when I lived and worked in Arnhem Land. He postured that the bee-bank must be chock-a-block full of gold, and they needed to be careful in case people tried to steal it. I kept my lips buttoned, content within my memory of that thin, sweet, syrupy gold, oft times collected by the bucketful.

“Upgrade to first class …!”

Posted in Tripping

I was still trying to figure out why I had cleared customs. Three of the twenty-four flying hours done, twenty-one still ahead of me, and I am wandering through the Duty-Free section of Auckland International. I’ve still to get over the Pacific to Santiago, onwards to Rio, another change then five hours to Fortaleza, in northern Brazil. And then? Make the necessary arrangements to collect my very sick colleague, and bring us both back to Melbourne.

French bubbles to the left, special offers if buying the twin gift pack, boutique gins to the right, perfumery ahead, and then the cigarettes – everything presented so tempting. Hang on, I have given up smoking – forget the smokes. Glitter and presentation tempt the excited or weary traveller. The marketing is just so compulsive, hats off to the retail strategists.

As I continue to blow time in amongst the glitz, a young girl approaches “Sir, would you like to try some unique, 45 year old scotch?” I’m bored “Why not” as I accept her disposable thimble. It was wonderful. “Only $65 for a 200ml bottle.” Oh what the heck, a few nips will help me sleep en route to Chile.

“Do you have any liquids in your hand luggage?” the check-in staff asked. Oh shit, there goes my scotch. I declared it and she indicated the disposal basket. “Do you drink scotch?” I asked, loathe to see such ambrosia disappear into a rubbish bin. She discretely accepts my gift and smiles. “Can I see your Boarding Pass, sir?” I handed her my Row 3, J Class window seat allocation. “Mmm, I think we can do better than that” as she ripped it up, fiddled briefly with her keyboard and delivered me Row 1 Aisle to Santiago – first class!

Well, this is a turn-up for the books. A proper bed and twelve hours before we land. I order a large black label aperitif as we make our way up to 30,000 feet. The beef is superb, and the bearnaise jus matches my rare fillet beautifully. The crème caramel was an extravagance, but what the heck? I turned to my fellow traveller to compare notes. He was dozing but it gave me a moment to observe the outrageously floral eyewear, the pink paisley-patterned jacket, the mauve shirt, clean-shaven, delicate hands and manicured nails. Maybe the jacket was just a smidge over the top. Mid-60s, I was guessing.

I held my own council and started to run through my very sketchy list of famous people –it can’t be Elvis; he’s dead. President Macron, ah, er hang on, the bloke’s a musician, plays the trumpet, maybe. It’s gotta be somebody famous to be sitting in first class.

I changed into the airline-supplied PJs. I woke to orange juice and an omelette. My fellow traveller had changed into an even more flamboyant suit, huge blue-framed glasses and still no obvious ID.

As we disembarked, I did overhear the steward wishing my companion “Have a great tour, Sir Elton.”

Got much on …

Posted in Domestics

I knew it was coming. 4.15, the after-school shift had arrived and were staffing the check-outs. As my frozen beans, yoghurt, fruit, vegetables and tins slid inexorably towards the scanner, it arrived: “Got much on for the rest of the day?” An hour earlier, the phlebotomist had asked me the same question, as she explored my arm for a puncture site. My mid-morning coffee payment had received a similar, trite enquiry.

Which moronic HR consultant has come up with this inanity? Proffered with such insincerity, while activating a social norm that dictates a rejoinder, knowing our response will fall, ignored, on closed ears and minds already miles away! Why were we being exposed to this nonsense? At every second turn!

I, and innumerable friends have considered these questions, tossed around possible responses, agreeing to a discomfort suffered as we are drawn to make a polite response, like a moth to a flame, against an awareness that even as we open our mouths, the rejoinder will bounce against already redirected focus.

“Well actually, I am heading home to explore pent-up sexual peccadillos” was one suggestion. Another “I am considering ways of slaughtering the next person who enquires about my day’s activities!” “That is private and you should mind your own bloody business!” One wit suggested, “Well actually, I have a large, dead sheep on the front lawn that I have been meaning to cut up and put in the chiller.”

Proffered civility or an actual explanation of planned activities both left me feeling duped, and drawn into a meaningless void. I wanted to approach management, requesting they stop insisting the staff pose such a socially inappropriate, meaningless exchange.

I thought more about my response. At the point of payment, I don’t need the insertion of a “social” interlocutor. I am paying for a service received. A “Thank you” or if a name badge identifies the staff, “Thank you Kaitlyn” should be an adequate verbal recognition of the transaction, a satisfactory lubricant to achieve egress.

If I knew how, I would propose that a tweet-handle be established “@GotMuchOn…” and organise a marketing campaign to get it circulating: the Donald might be able to provide guidance, here!   Tee shirts and caps could be struck, owners encouraged to wear them when progressing through supermarket check-outs. In the fullness of time, there’s the possibility that a political movement could be crowd-funded. The GMO Party, fielding candidates in local, state, and possibly even federal elections on the policies of tighter gun control, climate change action, effective universal healthcare, and a reduction in the use of inane, gormless language and time wastage.

If you have a moment, and a credit card, “… all you’ve gotta do to join is to…” purchase a T-shirt, make a commitment to wearing it, offer a small donation to the cause, and provide an indication of an ability to volunteer your time and energy at the next local council election, if the decision is taken to formalise the GMOP. “Got much else on?”

 

Three wishes

Posted in Imagined

The beautifully delicate butterfly settled near my left ear. I barely felt her landing but the whispered inducement startled me.

She quietly informed me that I had been selected to receive three wishes. Why me, I cynically thought, unquestionably accepting this extraordinary happening! As if whispering butterflies were a ‘dime-a-dozen’, as if an offer of three wishes were something other than ancient folklore. I must have been dreaming, as my mind subconsciously chose an ice cream – a sort of validity test – and the vanilla cone was immediately, snugly in my hand!

This is ridiculous, but I had to wrestle with my brain to forestall another wish to test the waters again! I mean, what-if… hang on, wow this actually might be real!

My mind was racing, ideas, conjectures, possibilities. There was an insistent voice warning against squandering the wishes, not that they were real … wake up. But the ice cream was melting in my hand!

So, what might I wish? Health, wealth and happiness – was that one wish? What about ethical objectives – a universal elimination of poverty and pestilence, a pox on Orban, Putin, Trump and Morrison, or peace and tolerance … where do I get advice on the admissibility of a collective wish?

I looked about for the little butterfly, but it had flown off. There were other questions needing answers. Why was I selected to receive the gifts, who did the selecting – was there a committee – akin to the Nobel Academy? How long was I going to get, to finalise my wishes, noting that my ice cream had mostly melted onto the grass?

It was tricky to avoid the subconscious phrase “I wish for…”. It had hovered and sploshed around, ever close to my consciousness since the butterfly’s arrival. If I wished for something really good, would I get recognition for my gratuitous offering to humanity? Might I get the Nobel Prize. That’d be cool!

I was fantasizing about being on the dais in Stockholm. Out of left field a wish to fix my balding pate slipped past my guard. Bling, my 1960’s locks were back in place. Shit! How did that happen? Only one wish left. OK It’s gotta be a goody! No more half-arsed brain fades.

Could I really save humanity, maybe reversing the impacts of climate change. Hang on, what would that entail? I have got to be careful. Would we still have cars, or electricity, meat and veg? This is going to be difficult. What if my remaining wish sent us all back into serfdom, horse and cart transport, gruel to eat and plagues to dodge?

I needed guidance. I wish I had somebody to … Stop! My God, that was close! I was now on tenterhooks, scared shitless that my brain was going to accidentally torpedo my plans to save the planet. How do you eliminate a phrase from your memory?

It has now been twenty-four hours since the butterfly’s visit. I was stressed to the max. I had had very little sleep, constantly on guard against THAT phrase! Mrs Google has not provided any help, either, after several hours looking for guidance on climate change reversal.

Jees, I wish I had a million dollars for every time that phrase has popped …cha-ching!

“If it hadn’t been for that damn cat …!”

Posted in Imagined

Six pages of ads for Hardly Normal, four from Domayne furnishings, a total of eight offering adventure travel to the wilds of Thai beachside resorts or river cruising between Amsterdam and Vienna, insights into the life and times of some wannabe starlet, upcoming movie reviews, the astrological charts and a ridiculously obscure, giant crossword. There was bugger-all left of the Sunday paper. Why did I continue to subscribe? Thank God for the Sudoku.

The Sunday puzzle was always rated as ‘diabolical’. For a relatively new Sudoku-ee, that was the challenge, occasionally getting it out, a reward in the form of bragging rights to fellow inmates.

The sun shone across my bunk from two in the afternoon and while the others chose the exercise yard, I stretched out, my favourite Staedtler pen at the ready and two hours to myself! A brief circular inspection identifies the gimme’s – the four or five clues that incentivize the puzzle. OK, gottim’, so now the hard work starts. Bottom right has four numbers in position, five numbers leading up through the next two boxes with an initial suggestion a three goes into the bottom box, top row, centre. There’s a nine blocking the five … ahh. Oh yes, the seven definitely slots in there. And so it went … the afternoon drifting comfortably.

The tinkle of my pen hitting the concrete floor woke me with a start. Sheila and I had been in earnest discussion on the beach at Sorento, our sandy beachhead providing privacy, while we went through a final MO for this evening’s work. It would be easy, the last couple of days confirming nobody in residence, the hourly flicker from an automated, ‘anti-theft’ device in the upstairs toilet, further reassurance that we would have the house to ourselves this evening.

A lobster salad, a deliciously fruity Yarra Valley Pinot Grigio, a wonderfully mature brie and wafers, and three crisp counterfeit $100 notes concluded the public part of our evening. We drove back to the Airbnb, changing into our spandex ‘blacks’, rubber-soled booties and balaclavas. A final run-through, me in through the laundry doggy door, around to the front and disarm the door: 30 seconds. Sheila in through the front door: 45 seconds and into the lounge room, a quick review of the gallery: 75 seconds. McCubbin’s Winter Sunlight; Streeton’s Still glides the stream; Wither’s The Drover: as per our inventory, a wonderful collection, beautiful, valuable and all protected by a separate laser beam alarm system.

A bloody cat had followed me in through the laundry door. It just went ballistic inside the lounge – chasing a moth around the room, jumping from couch to table, from table to bench, back to the couch and then bounced off the wall as I ineffectually swiped at it.

The red laser pinpoint on my sleeve! All hell broke loose as the alarms, and lights, notified the neighbourhood of our presence.

Only 729 afternoons left, maybe less with remission. I resume my consideration of the Sudoku.

Shed treasure

Posted in Domestics

It was a year since we had entered into our first mortgage. It followed finding and falling in love with the old farmhouse, its hundred hectares of grazing land, and four dozen cattle.

In preparation for a new family member’s arrival, it was time to tackle the shed, to explore where the sun never shone, its dark, dusty corners, and its pile of old boxes and crates. We also needed space to transfer some of our own superfluous junk.

The Agent had explained that the pensioners had died at the property, the coroner eventually determining it had been a murder/suicide. Adult children had come and cleared away furnishings and personal effects, while the neighbours agreed to mind the livestock until new owners were installed.

Over the years, the spiders, dust and grime had created a webbed blanket over that corner of the shed where the old boxes were stacked. It was over a year since we arrived but a rip in the web suggested somebody’s interference. I dragged a couple of heavy trunks onto the floor.

The first had old account books, receipts, tax returns, and business papers to do with the farm, dating back over the past half-century. Similar business papers covered the top of the second chest, but scuff marks across the dusty top layer suggested that the papers had been handled not too long ago.

I rummaged deeper. ‘Julius Marlowe – your shoes of distinction’, read the box. It was spotless and tied with red and green Christmas ribbons; totally out of sync with the rest of the stuff in the trunk. I lifted the surprisingly heavy box out of the crate, walking back towards the kitchen for a sharp knife.

There was some excitement as I lifted the cardboard lid but disappointment followed, as I saw more old papers. Julie waddled into the kitchen and came over to the table. “What have you discovered?” as she peered over my shoulder at the papers.

Storytellers often talk about ‘eye-popping’ astonishment. That’s what happened as the veneer of paperwork came away revealing neatly bundled stacks of $20 notes – hundreds of them! “What the …, My God, there must be tens of thousands of dollars here!” Questions flew between us. “Who put them there? How did they get there? Whom do they belong to?” “Is it finders, keepers?” “What do we do?” “Should we notify the cops?”

Strong black tea for me, while Julie had a cup of hot water. I mentioned the recent disturbance in the shed, and we decided to put the box back where we found it. I replaced the trunks onto the stack in the corner. I even carefully swept up a little dust and threw it over the crates.

We waited. Alice was born four weeks later. Neither of us forgot about the box but new responsibilities pushed the treasure a little further from our routine consciousness.

A year passed. Julie, Alice and I revisited the trunk. The shoebox had gone!

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