Author: Chris Burchett

“So think about what is most important to you about this community. Put thoughts on the stickies.”

I am at the whiteboard, marker pens and yellow stickies distributed to the assembled stakeholders. The Mayor, two other Councillors, Council staff include the CEO, the Business Manager and the Tourist Officer. There were eight other prominent, ‘ordinary’ members of the community.

Morning tea had provided me the opportunity to mingle, to establish my can-do’s and we were now ready to start the distillation, drawing down thoughts, throwing marketing wizardry around the room, gaining stakeholder commitments.

It was 1987 and I was on a role. Six Local Government bodies completed, nine to go. It was “money for jam”, a consultancy to end all consultancies, and I had landed it. Recruiters had sought expressions of interest from suitably qualified marketers to assist Local Governments to identify, develop and promote their regional strengths.

Freshly graduated from my MBA, I was the full bottle, absolutely squeaky, an early convert with a website, and an email account. This was my first consultancy, but I was confident that I could nail it! I had won the Newell/Oxley delineated transport route – Shires covering Moama through to Byron.

It was a time where aspirational statements were all the rage – everyone needed a shorthand quip to reaffirm who and what they stood for. Psychic Telemetry had arrived from the States, along with the early forms of psychographic segmentation, new, essential tools with which to dazzle, refine target audiences, potential new investors, tourists most suited to your patch, zero in on the unwary!

“The Murray River is our core”, said the Echuca/Moama Mayor. “Proximity to Melbourne” said Sarah, the Business Manager, “Friendly people” said Alex. We were away, the yellow stickies were starting to flow, thick and fast. “We’re Country folk, and friendly, too”, said Phyllis. “We need to control where visitors wander. If ya let’em, they’ll leave poo tickets behind every tree” said Jim, from the Friends of Echuca Association.

“What do you think the visitors value about their visit?” I posed. “Riverside camping”, “a camp fire”, “access to shops”, “boat launch facilities”, “good coffee” “country hospitality”: yellow post-its filled the board. Lunch arrived. Informal chat as sandwiches were munched, juice glugged. Everyone engaged, exciting side play, even Jim, from the Friends group, was enenthused.

That’s it folks. I restated the process from here, a promise of a draft report within the month. I thanked everyone, collected the post-it notes and moved on to Deniliquin.

It has been a long day on the river, too much sun, sore muscles and it was pleasing to have the Amity secure, the fire alight, and the second beer about to be broached.

We note another couple, one hundred metres or so downstream, and as the stubby tops are opening, Gail, wielding a plate of nibbles and Ivan, esky in hand, monologue-in-mouth, approach. “G’day, nice boat. Been fishin’? I’m Ivan. You gotta table to put the nibbles on. Oh, this is the missus, Gail.” Ivan briefly retreats, returning with two camp chairs.

River protocols are upon us, it seems, or is it simply the fact that we obviously have firewood and a cheery fire on the go. Regardless, there is a neighbourly arrival.

“Er G’day. I’m Bill.” “Yep g’day, Chris” and “Hi, Steve” completes the circle work, as our camp table is brought out and the semi-circle forms. Ivan’s bare chest make a statement. Gail’s chest, squished into a smallish, Richmond AFL jersey, reiterates a relaxing holiday escape!

“Wheresya from? Whees’ from Bendigo. Love the river, and this South Australian bit – wide, deep, the cliffs, great!” Gail passes her snacks around, while I mentally consider what we might have in the dry goods store, to complement the cheese squares, sliced cabanossi and alternating red and green cocktail onions. I draw a blank, but Steve noodles deeper, and finds a box of Shapes.

Ivan quickly moves on to his deep love for fishing this river, the holiday shack they have on the Edwards, the family holidays, the boat, water-skiing. Bill demonstrates knowledge of parts of the Edwards “Yep, Balranald, Moulamein, and those tricky channels”, before the spectacular Cod catches, some that got away, the problems with the bloody Carp, and about how some bastard had left a dozen to rot, next to their shack, again seeks ascendency. He and Gail match each other, beer for beer – possibly one of their matrimonial necessities?

I mention that I come from Ballarat, but the “Jees that’s a cold hole!” indicates that that line of social intercourse isn’t going to fly! We learn that Ivan has a construction company. I’m not sure if we learn what it constructs but the boat, the shack, the free time spent on the river, demonstrate that Ivan assesses he is a successful constructor.

Gail endorses titbits, as their adventures are told; the delight of the kids, whenever the shack visits are on, the cubby they build in a nearby gum, their enthusiasm and skills behind the boat. She passes the cheese squares again. More beers, more shared glories from Ivan.

I notice that Steve is engaging Gail in a side conversation. It takes another couple of minutes before Bill and I are able to switch channels, to politely disentangle. “I count money” I hear Gail declare. “Waddaya mean”, we collectively query, and I sense a bit of a party starter. “I am paid to count money. I work for the Bendigo Bank, and my job is to count the cash deposits coming in from across the state.”

We three are tuned in, obviously an appreciative break from the previous piscatorial monotone, but also expressing a genuine interest in what sounds like an intriguing job. Ivan starts to recount a particularly exciting Cod episode.

“I thought we were all using credit cards.” “No way, you’d be surprised how much cash is still sloshing around the system, especially through the fast-food outlets! Maccas, KFC, there the biggies but JB HI-FI deposit lots!” Gail has our total attention.

“I usually count about twenty to thirty million dollars every day. I have a machine that does most of the counting, but I am there looking for damaged or counterfeit notes. Ballarat and Warrnambool are the major counterfeit hubs; fifties and one-hundred-dollar notes!” “Do ya get any coins?” “Yep, but we don’t bother to count ‘em, simply accept what their deposit slips declare.”

“So how do you pick the dodgy notes?” “There are a couple of tell-tale signs. The polymer notes have a very precise weight, the machine is calibrated to not only count but to actually weigh every ten-thousand-dollars. It stops if the weight doesn’t tally, and I then go back manually and look through the hundred individual notes.” We pause, grab another drink, a cheese cube, and Gail continues.

“Counterfeiters try to get their hands on the polymer blanks, but they are held securely at the Mint. They mostly bring paper in from Thailand. But it doesn’t have the same look and feel. My fingers pick them straight away. You know, last month we had two-hundred-dollar bills that were only printed on one side! Can you believe it?”

From the corner of my eye, I could see that Ivan is getting a bit antsy. He floats ‘… outrage at the National’s ongoing water trading scams… ’ – that’s desperation for you. He starts to wiggle his arse in the chair, he inspects the now empty, esky. He takes the last piece of cabanossi and then proffers a throaty cough. He stands, declaring that it is “time to get tea on the go.”

Gail stands, a twinkle evident in her eyes, probably confirming that with a mob like us, money will usually out-interest fishing. In farewell, we note a grin, that we discuss later around the fire. We take it to mean that there has been a movement within some marital, point-scoring log. “We probably find eight or ten counterfeit hundreds amongst the stacks every day, not so many fifties. Be careful with those green notes, boys” as she turns and follows the esky, chair and Ivan back towards their camp.

Over our chicken casserole, we continue to reflect on the intricacies of the cash economy, the jobs that none of us would ever have imagined existed, the technology and the intervention and reliance on humanity, to make these finer calls.  We finish the evening acknowledging Ivan’s point about the lack of integrity surrounding the water trading activities within the Canberra bubble. Disgraceful bloody corruption!

“This is silly. We passed that clump of trees on our way to the car. Remember the way that branch, yep, that one on the big old gum over there, on the right, sorta looks like a body, arms outstretched? We commented upon it.” Nancy nodded, and a slight shiver moved down to her hand, onto my arm. I quietly took comfort from recognising that tree, not wanting to countenance any suggestion that we might be off the track.

We had been to the car to get our camping chairs, now slung off our shoulders; not heavy, just slightly uncomfortable. “We’ll be at the campsite shortly,” I volunteered, as we both heard voices in the distance, some children’s playful squealing. We soldiered on, along the narrow, dusty path.

Fifteen minutes later Nancy expressed surprise that we hadn’t arrived at the glade where we, with the kids and grandkids, had pitched our tents a few hours earlier. “It’s just around the next bend”, I proffered. Another ten minutes, the afternoon was closing and we both felt that sudden, subtle drop in temperature, as the evening nudged the day aside.

I saw that same old gum tree, but it was on the left. How could that be? I didn’t mention it, but Nan tentatively queried its squat presence. I privately wondered how it had changed position, surely it’s a different tree? I took us both carefully off the centre of the track and came up to the tree.

“Whose tracks are those, heading back that way, hang on and that way, and there, again,” I posed and we looked down into the dust, seeing a jumble of tracks, hither and thither. I lifted her left leg and checked the imprint on her sandal. Mine too, as we acknowledged our previous, several passings, writ large on the track. There was still plenty of light, we just needed a moment to reorientate ourselves.

“Are we lost?” “Of course not. No, no, we have just taken the wrong track back there. I suggest we retrace our steps back to that last intersection, and she’ll be tickety-boo.”

I was starting to feel the chairs, just a bit heavier. We’d been carrying them for maybe an hour, and I could feel a bit of a rub on my shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind a drink, have we got that water bottle?” “No, it’s back at the camp. We’ll be back there shortly.” I gave a half-hearted ‘coo-ee’, feeling a bit of a dork, as I delivered it. The air was still, quiet, save a distant kookaburra responding to my call. I could hear cicada’s too, pitched against the hitherto unheard silence. The bush too seemed to be settling for the night, quiet, exuding that particular Australian, eucalyptus sort of smell, clean, fresh, bushy.

“Nance, I reckon we have taken a bit of a detour. The kids will be wondering where we have got to, I betcha they’re posing lewd suggestions!” Nancy giggled, a little too nervously, but gave my arm a reassuring squeeze. “What are we going to do?” “Well the 101 Getting lost in the Bush manual says stop walking. Wait for somebody to find us. I have a lighter. We’ll light a smoky fire – it’ll ward off the chill, keep any mossies at bay, and provide some beacon for the kids!”

We scratched around, gathering the necessaries and had it lit in a couple of minutes.

There was a surprising comfort provided by that fire, a sense of normality, boundaries restated. It cheered us both. I let a few more coo-ees go up into the ether. We chatted, wondering what the children would be saying about their missing Nannie and Grandpa. Would they be worried?

Of course. But surely the four of them wouldn’t come looking. They’d split up. Jeanie would stay back at the camp with the children, Rob would be out here: somewhere! I thought I heard a noise and I let a full-throated call issue forth. We both held our breath, listening intently. A minute, another. Nothing. Had we heard something? There, that was a crack, a stick breaking. We moved closer to each other, another crack, a thump, as two wallabies broke cover and bounded off across our clearing.

I looked at Nan “Well at least the wildlife are at home!” We collected a bit more firewood and sat. We were both cooeeing at regular intervals, with the evening chill circling, ever want to waft around to the backs of our chairs. The mopokes, several families I think, tossed their ever mournful, syncopated night-time chorus between themselves. We stared into the fire, both of us drawn to our own reveries.

“What if they don’t find us?” “They will. Maybe it won’t be tonight, but we heard the children not long before sunset, so we aren’t that far away from them.” “Well, why can’t they hear us – our calls?” “Mmmm. I don’t know.”

I was wondering the same thing. Surely we had just drifted off the track. Thank God we had jeans on, and jumpers. It might be a long night! Nan mentioned her thirst again, and noted that we would not be taking our tablets tonight!  We hunkered down, grateful for the fire.

At some stage, I drifted off. I dreamed of a night, long ago. I was working in Arnhem Land; our vehicle had broken down on the Bulman to Maningrida track. I was with Michael Brown and we were walking the fifty-odd kilometres back to town. Despite the tropics, it was a chilly, dry season night.

Michael showed me a trick to generate a little warmth, and sleep. Three small, smoky fires were lit, with space for us to lie down between them, a fire at each side of us, sharing the one in the middle. We positioned a quantity of wood at our heads, to feed the smouldering fires as they died down during the night. I remembered a fitful night, stones digging into my shoulder, hips and knees, but snatches of sleep achieved.

I heard, maybe felt Nan crying. “Hey, it’s OK. We might be spending the night out under the stars, together. People pay a fortune for this experience.” “Yes, but they have a bottle of sparkling wine, cheese, strawberries and a comfortable bed” she hiccupped. We both laughed.

Nan positioned another log onto the coals and our attention again drifted towards the coals. We both must have dozed off, slouched into the chairs, hands intertwined.

I awoke to Nan’s screech, torchlight in my face, Rob hugging her. “Am I glad to see you two. I have been out here for ages.” He unshouldered his day pack, handing Nan a water bottle. We both drank deeply and we disregarded the doctor’s orders, and each wolfed down a chocolate bar.

“You led me on a merry dance. I have been following your tracks – around two long circuits. I am not sure how, but you’ve ended up in the next valley from where we are camped. Not far from here, really. I reckon less than a kilometre but there is a range of hills in between. I eventually saw your campfire.”

We still go bushwalking, but not camping. We each carry a small daypack, water bottles, muesli bars, a light jumper and each pack is equipped with a lighter and a torch.

I am sitting in an Adelaide boardroom listening to colleague, Lisa talk of a forthcoming trip along the Strzelecki and Birdsville Tracks, to Innamincka, Birdsville, Mungeranie and Maree. I have my ears pricked attentively as she talks of her recent appointment as Regional Tourism Manager and of a need to make contact with some of her more distant ‘operators’, to say g’day and get a feel for the lay of the land in the distant, north-east corner of South Australia.

A priority task for me next morning is to check the diary and make some fast calls; which appointments can be postponed, which can be brought forward. An hour later I was on the phone to Lisa pressing my claim for a seat on the trip. A couple of “yeps” later and I was on the phone to colleagues explaining a pressing and unavoidable engagement.

We rendezvous at Quorn on Friday afternoon. A few hundred dollars later, Woolies has the car full of the necessities for life – some really smelly camembert, a stilton, roll mops, lumpfish roe, tinned dolmades, pate, a bottle of Johnny Red, another of Bombay Sapphire, tonic, an assortment of bread, biscuits, a yard of cabanossi (to munch as we travel), cashews, a couple of tubes of Pringles and ah, what else? Oh yer, some healthy vegetables, water, coffee beans and smokes, a carton of tailor-mades for Lisa and two rollies, for me.

Dinner at the pub gives us a chance to go over the trip, to check off lists of to-dos – extra fuel, water, food, booze, smokes. “I reckon it’s just ‘bout all done” she says as I order another couple of beers. I ask Bruce the barman about the weather forecast for the next few days and “… wouldn’t have a clue, Mate”, was the informative response.

I am up a tad before ‘sparrows and a first smoke and I meet under a clear, innocent sky. It is chilly but offers the promise of hot, dry warmth to come. The Southern Cross is standing on its head, the night shift finishing as Venus tries to outshine the approaching light. I roll another smoke and contemplate the Morning Star, that potent Arnhem Land night watchman and referee, the boss dictating an end to nighttime Bungal.

An off-stage, orange fireball is approaching from the East, silhouetting in absolute blackness, distant hills. Pastel colours move in, some pinky-yellow washes and my reverie is broken with the thwack of the screen door slamming. “How’d ya sleep? Jees this coffee hits the spot!” as we sit companionably broaching the new day.

We throw the swags and bags into the back of the 4WD, load boxes of tucker and check that the Engel is working! How did I survive 25 years in the Territory without one of these marvels – a car fridge! I remember tinned Frey Bentos pies, tinned stews, vegetables, warm beers and mouldy bread.

It is at Parachilna, as we pull into the Prairie Hotel that we remember the 2 empty water tanks! We fill them and accept the offer of coffee and cake. Publican Jane also shows us the walls of the interior where inadvertently stones containing the oldest known fossilised lifeforms were used in construction. Ediacaran fossils, dated about 550 million years old, where discovered here in the 1940s. I also realised that this was the area that supplied the slate floors for our Darwin house, 30 years earlier.

There are a few young backpackers mooching around the hotel. I wondered why they were there and Lisa explains the growing significance of the northern Flinders Ranges for young international travellers.

They look decidedly out of place – sunburnt and red, shorts, thongs, new akubras and some with flynets. One youngster strums a guitar and a bevy of buxom, scantily clad young things lounge nearby. While we sip lattes, a friendly Kelpie saunters up, sniffs to ensure our cake is OK, lifts a leg on the nearby verandah post and leaves. A flock of red-tailed cockatoos squabble in a gum across the roadway.

The road north passes through Leigh Creek – that oft mentioned spot in the weather report. I belatedly take on the realisation that this place is a mine – we stop and look through a high wire fence encircling a huge hole in the ground, a long conveyor belt that is responsible for towering mountains of coal, trundling Wabco trucks, and an industrial tangle. I don’t think I ever made the connection of this to “…hot, dry, 33 degrees at Leigh Creek.”

The bitumen abandons us as a family of emus scoot across the track in front of us. Lisa is driving and swerves around the last chick. “Jees, that was close, and with all of this country – ya gotta wonder why this moment was chosen to cross the bloody road!” She is a little shaken and reaches for a B&H to steady her nerves.

We munch on a length of cabanossi as the rough gravel stretches out before us. Talk turns to the hassles of Local Government and their difficult relationship with tourism. “I had a meeting with Joy the other day to explore funding subsidies in the next budget. Her only issue is the cost of maintaining the public dunnies in Port Augusta.” “Yer, I used to get similar responses from some of my Councils, too” I offered in support.

A billowing cloud of ochre can be seen in the distance. A yellow blob at its centre starts to take shape and in the next minute or so evolves into a thundering road train, 50 metres of steel and rubber desperately trying to outrun its dusty veil. “Ya know they have 72 tyres on the road and about 6 spares” was gratuitously offered and met with “Yer. Da ya wanna drive?” “OK”

The country was changing. Low mulga was giving way to cassia, spinifex and saltbush, small spindly gums and sand dunes paralleling the road in a north south companionship. The soil had changed colour too – from a dusty orange to somewhere between Gold Oxide and Burnt Sienna. There had been recent rains and I think I remembered hearing “…patchy rain for Leigh Creek…” not long ago.

We stopped to boil the billy beside a long water-filled ‘borrow-pit’ – the scrapes created by road maintenance crews when they needed surface fill. There was a flock of ducks loudly protesting our arrival. “Ya gotta wonder about ducks in the desert, eh! I mean, are they lost or sum’ent?” We chuckle, smoke and settle with strong black tea.

I was reminded of another time, maybe 25 years earlier when I was living at a small community on the WA/NT border, out from Uluru. I was driving the community ute, loaded with 6 or 7 old Pitjantatjara men. My lead man was old Lungkata and we were travelling out to his country around Lake Mackay. It was late October and as hot as hell. I thought we were vaguely following a sand dune-restricted, westerly direction. Not so, as Lungkata tells me to turn very precisely in between a narrow opening in the towering dunes. On resuming our course we abruptly came upon a small rocky outcrop, a crop of reeds and what I suspect is some water. A thump on the cab roof told me to stop the car.

Lungkata led a low chant, quickly picked up by the others as everyone leaves the Toyota, with thigh slapping and hesitant steps towards the outcrop. Before being told to withdraw back through the break in the dunes and camp, I saw a mob of ducks flying up from the grubby pool.

“We’d better keep moving or we won’t make Innamincka before dark,” Lisa breaks into my reverie.

We kick the fire out and get back on the track. There is a lot more sand drifts across the road, a couple more trucks and we see in the distance a complex of white tanks, pipes, dereks, low buildings and a sign advising us to Stay Out. “Cooper Basin oil and gas complex” advises Lisa.

I was seeing a new side to South Australia that I had only vaguely been aware – here amongst the redness was a sizeable industrial richness. We pass a couple of more mining sites as we move steadily north towards the Queensland border. Twenty minutes south of Innamincka we come across another one, this one immediately adjacent to the track.

We learn later that night at the pub from workers that this complex reflects a Japanese consortium seeking to harness “hot rock” energy sources. Apparently the earth’s crust is quite shallow at this point and they are drilling a 12” diameter hole 7,000 metres down to tap into the 270degree temperatures. The intention is to force water into the hole, generate super-heated steam that will be directed into a second, nearby hole that has been equipped with an electrical turbine.  The guys told us that the hole is now so deep, and the temperatures so hot that they can only drill for about 30 minutes before the drill bit melts – necessitating spending 48 hours lifting the rods and replacing the bits!

We had made camp beside a long waterhole, Cullymurra, part of the Cooper Creek system about 2 kms east of town. A fire was pulled together as dolmades, olives, scotch and water appear. I had earlier marinated fillet steak and as it hit the griddle, the garlic, soy, Dijon and cold-pressed oil quickly brought taste-buds to the fore.

A quick couple of beers at the Innamincka pub brought the long day to a close. Swags were rolled and Lisa’s gentle snores from across the fire lent a gentle domesticity to the camp. I too drift off, a satellite blinking overhead and a couple of long, shooting streaks rushing to the horizon register in a rapidly slowing mind.

“Jees, didja see that dingo last night? It was into the griddle with a vengeance” I admit to a deep, unbroken sleep as I stir the mulga coals into action and get my old black billy on for coffee. “Wherdja get that Billy?” asks Lisa of my spouted veteran. “I reckon it might have been from the store at Yuendumu, out west of Alice. Years ago.” Spouted billy cans were always popular and practical. Campfires and billies – mmm as the words of Dick Diamond’s 1950 musical form in my head. I start to hum and then sing:

I’ve humped my bluey, thru all the states

My old black billy the best of mates

For years I’ve tramped and toiled and camped

Though the road was rough and hilly

With me plain and sensible, indispensable

Old black billy

It’s a lazy day spent mostly doing bugger all. A bit of reading, yarning, interspersed with some historical sightseeing. Here we were at the site of one of Australia’s most celebrated cock-ups – the ill-fated conclusion to Robert O’Hara Bourke’s continental crossing. I had just finished reading Susan Murgatroyd’s novel, Burke and Wills and we’re here!

We drove east beside the waterhole for about 20kms crossing briefly into Queensland and back again into SA to stand at The Dig Tree, that infamous tree inscribed by their back up team, instructing Burke and his party to dig for residual supplies. The irony, of course was the fact that the support team had left only a few hours before Bourke, et al actually returned from their trip to the Gulf of Carpentaria.

We visited the site of Bourke’s and subsequently Will’s death and later that afternoon joined a small group of travellers on a punt that quietly motored down the Cooper to the spot where the only surviving member of the trio, John King was eventually found, in the care of the local Bardi people.

Innamincka, so small and dusty yet so sought after. There’s the pub, a focal point for the many thirsty travellers, a small general store, a few corrugated shanties and the old Australian Inland Mission hospital, now hosting National Parks and an interpretation of the natural, cultural and historical significance of the area.

We spend another evening at the pub and try not to overhear too much of the traveller’s banter. Like so much of Australia’s inland regions, the area is being over-run with a steady stream of four-wheel adventurers. They arrive in all shapes and sizes, both the vehicles and the travellers. Vehicles are decked out with myriad bits of essential kit – wallaby jacks, pvc water tanks, shovels, extra jerry cans of fuel, vhf radios and tall aerials. The drivers are here to escape winter chills, to try their hand at off-road adventure. They breast the bar with fly nets jauntily pushed back off dusty headgear, livid sunburnt right arms poking out from T shirts emblazoned with I’ve been to Birdsville and survived decals.

We move on, across the Cooper Creek towards Mungarannie, about 500kms further west, on the Maree to Birdsville Track. A missed turn adds an extra 100kms to the day and raises fuel anxieties. The recent rains have left the two-wheel ruts boggy and a tad slippery until, of a sudden we literally turn a corner and from low acacia scrub, we are confronted with an unending dry gibber plain stretching to sunset.

This is Sturts Stoney Desert. There is a burnt sienna, high sand dune to our right, on the left, the gibbers. It is startlingly dramatic. Such a sudden contrast and to absorb the change we stop, boil the billy and open a can of dolmades!  G&Ts also seemed appropriate but bugger, we were bereft of a slice of lime so had to do without. Such decadence sets the tone for the remainder of the day and primes us nicely for our late afternoon arrival at Mungerannie – the pub, not the station homestead.

Lisa is expected and welcomed with hugs and kisses. There was a round of introductions as I meet the locals “G’day howsyagoinmate – thisis Chris” and we again find ourselves breasting a bar. A long, whispy salt and peppered beard has the name John – the publican. He has a glint in his eye as he knowingly throws the cork from a fresh bottle of Bundy.

Word spreads that Lisa is back in town and the local blacksmith, a couple of ringers, John’s missus Shirl and a few others blow in. The CD-player is cranked back to the 70s and the talk turns to The Drive, last year’s tourist extravaganza, the Outback Cattle Drive that first brought Lisa to these parts. The Drive attracted thousands (if you believe the subsequent reports) from SA’s main domestic and international markets, for a dude-cattle drive, sectioned into two and three night parcels between Birdsville and Maree.

As the rum flows, the Drive is on again. Somebody has got a stock whip and nimbly misses the assembled crowd, demonstrates the finer points of the “Double Cracker”. Tables and chairs are pushed to the far wall, later removed altogether and the party gets serious. At some point biker mates of Johnnos appear at the door on their Harleys and decide the overnight dew might damage the chrome. The bikes quickly replace lost chairs and one by one the boys decide to wheel stand the front wheels onto the bar! As the rum flows, someone suggests burning rear tyres into the floorboards and down to the joists!

I remember staggering through acrid smoke and mayhem, mumbling something to somebody and falling off the front verandah. Oblivion.

A couple of crows are perching somewhere above me – I wonder how they got into my room? The guys were right about the dew – my bed is soaked and come to think of it, the mattress is bloody lumpy, too!

I prize open an eye and stare into the questioning gaze of a mongrel bloody dog. God my head hurts as I stumble up from the garden bed, picking a couple of forlorn Dissy Lizzys from my shirt. I look around in case of witnesses – the coast is clear and I head for the kitchen to get coffee on the go!

I nurse a head. Lisa appears an hour or so later and I hear Johnno and the bikers in the bar – hacking coughs, the cha ching of a bottle top hitting the barroom floor. “Wanna Bundy , whatsyaname?” I shuffle on and inspect the deep burn marks in the floor.

Lisa agrees to beat a retreat. We stop 50kms down the road and cook up some greasy snags to quell delicate stomachs. Strong black tea and a few Asprin help to pretend sobriety as we drop in to a few more properties enroute down the Birdsville to Maree. Lisa is mostly pensive, quiet and I suspect feeling as seedy as I.

A 100kms out from Quorn we spot a big Grey kangaroo on the side of road. She’s recently tangled with a vehicle and not dead. We stop and I walk back. I hate this bit as I raise a stick and put her out of her pain. There is a little joey anxiously hovering. I kneel down and he hops over and head first straight into the neck of my jumper! I estimate he is about 6 months old, fully furred and standing about 25 cms.

I’ve been adopted and I thank heaven that an immediate decision has been taken out of my hands. Lisa knows of an animal refuge in Quorn, hoping that the little guy survives the trauma of his predicament. We phone ahead as we near town and they suggest we bring him over in the morning. He sleeps that night in a pillowslip, snuggled up against my warmth.

Its Friday again, pre dawn and the stars are at it again. A roster sounds a call somewhere and I contemplate the trip. It has been an exhilarating week, a vast emptiness on the map now populated with new country, new faces, places and experiences. I was surprised at the extent of the mining activity, the changing landscapes, flood outs, semi-permanent creek systems, sandy and gibber expanses and the chance to yarn with and learn from the locals.

Back to the office and a mountain of dross awaits, next week!

I was still trying to figure out why I had cleared customs. Three of the twenty-four flying hours done, twenty-one still ahead of me, and I am wandering through the Duty-Free section of Auckland International. I’ve still to get over the Pacific to Santiago, onwards to Rio, another change then five hours to Fortaleza, in northern Brazil. And then? Make the necessary arrangements to collect my very sick colleague, and bring us both back to Melbourne.

French bubbles to the left, special offers if buying the twin gift pack, boutique gins to the right, perfumery ahead, and then the cigarettes – everything presented so tempting. Hang on, I have given up smoking – forget the smokes. Glitter and presentation tempt the excited or weary traveller. The marketing is just so compulsive, hats off to the retail strategists.

As I continue to blow time in amongst the glitz, a young girl approaches “Sir, would you like to try some unique, 45 year old scotch?” I’m bored “Why not” as I accept her disposable thimble. It was wonderful. “Only $65 for a 200ml bottle.” Oh what the heck, a few nips will help me sleep en route to Chile.

“Do you have any liquids in your hand luggage?” the check-in staff asked. Oh shit, there goes my scotch. I declared it and she indicated the disposal basket. “Do you drink scotch?” I asked, loathe to see such ambrosia disappear into a rubbish bin. She discretely accepts my gift and smiles. “Can I see your Boarding Pass, sir?” I handed her my Row 3, J Class window seat allocation. “Mmm, I think we can do better than that” as she ripped it up, fiddled briefly with her keyboard and delivered me Row 1 Aisle to Santiago – first class!

Well, this is a turn-up for the books. A proper bed and twelve hours before we land. I order a large black label aperitif as we make our way up to 30,000 feet. The beef is superb, and the bearnaise jus matches my rare fillet beautifully. The crème caramel was an extravagance, but what the heck? I turned to my fellow traveller to compare notes. He was dozing but it gave me a moment to observe the outrageously floral eyewear, the pink paisley-patterned jacket, the mauve shirt, clean-shaven, delicate hands and manicured nails. Maybe the jacket was just a smidge over the top. Mid-60s, I was guessing.

I held my own council and started to run through my very sketchy list of famous people –it can’t be Elvis; he’s dead. President Macron, ah, er hang on, the bloke’s a musician, plays the trumpet, maybe. It’s gotta be somebody famous to be sitting in first class.

I changed into the airline-supplied PJs. I woke to orange juice and an omelette. My fellow traveller had changed into an even more flamboyant suit, huge blue-framed glasses and still no obvious ID.

As we disembarked, I did overhear the steward wishing my companion “Have a great tour, Sir Elton.”

“Hey look at that” Bill said, indicating a small, swirling spot in the water just ahead of our canoe. My mind’s eye had also registered a little flat-beaked head and beady eyes, momentarily looking at us, as we paddled. “It must have been a fish” Bill conjectured “I don’t think Platypus are active during the day.” Ten minutes later and we saw another little plump, flattish stick suddenly arch and glide slickly under the water. That was definitely a Platypus!

We had just 30 minutes before launched our four-metre-long Canadian open canoe from Thornton, 200 kilometres northeast of Melbourne into the fast-flowing Goulburn River. It was the start of a four-day adventure paddling 90-odd kilometres down to our planned ‘take-out’ at Trawool, near Seymour.

The river was flowing at about 5 kilometres an hour and was going to provide a lot of help with the down-river trip. In the last week of October, the Water Catchment Authority had released significant flows, for both the farmers and environmental well-being. A week later and the 300mm dark stain on the banks confirmed that levels were already falling, but there was plenty for our needs.

I was a canoeing novice, having years before hired canoes in the Northern Territory’s Katherine Gorge. But Bill had had the Canadian for 30-odd years and learned to understand her temperament and moods. It was reassuring, as were the floatation vests.

Captain Bill was at the stern, me in the bow and in between was an assortment of swags, tents, cameras and spare clothes all packed into waterproof bags, along with cooking gear and an esky. Everything had been tied and linked together to facilitate retrieval in the event of a mishap. Despite the heavy load we rode high out of the water and were ‘drawing’ 50mm –plenty of clearance to safely clear submerged nasties.

The first rapids arrived. Previous advice was that if we survived these, the rest of the journey should be trouble-free. Bill explained the circular patches of smooth water that appeared regularly. “They’re pressure waves,” he said, “the water coming up against rocks on the bottom and pushing the water up to the surface”. They were not an issue. “Our guiding principle is to keep her nose-first, always heading straight down the guts” he advised. “She’s not a kayak, doesn’t have the same manoeuvrability – built for comfort, not speed so our paddles are the trick. Use em.”

I was nervous as the rapids arrived. They probably only represented a drop of 150mm but the series of short whitecaps and bumps had my sphincter clenched! But we glided majestically through – nary a bump. I relaxed, a little and a few more had me gaining respect for both Bill’s canoe manship and the strengths of our craft.

That first day was an introduction to the delights of “…mucking about in boats”. While we both maintained wary eyes for snags, the chatter between for’ard and aft took on a more relaxed form. The platypi (I use the plural) continued their shy inspections, sometimes allowing the canoe to within a metre before their bum-up glide beneath the surface. We lost count – maybe a dozen in that first afternoon.

We found a pebbly beach and pulled in. We had been going about four hours and a G&T beckoned. The river bubbled in the background as camp was set, swags unrolled, the kitchen established, the esky broached. A Taramasalata dip, blue cheese, biscuits and an iced G&T confirmed that ‘knock-off’ had arrived.

A small comfort fire was built as the sun-bleached away. The portable gas burner had Chow Mein in the offing and a full moon appeared over the nearby hills. To top things off a mob of kangaroos were silhouetted on the ridgeline, coming out to graze as the daylight gently mellowed.

Two young males were magnificently silhouetted on the ridge, sparring with each other. Tails were being used as backstops, while arms sought purchase, freeing hind legs and their sabre-like toenails to practice what might one day deliver mortal wounds.

There was an orange wash across the sky, reddened streaked on the underside of the clouds and we settled for the evening, tossing around the highlights, a quaffable Merlot agreeably dulling slight aches and niggles!

It was an early start next morning. A bit chilly but I nudged the fire back with a few leaves and a couple of twigs. Priority was to get the coffee pot going and a clear blue sky suggested another beautiful day on the water. Bacon and eggs – protein overload to fuel the day!

We were on the water by 7.30. Our little aquatic friends were there from the start and continued to enquire our form throughout the day. The birds, their squarks and chirps of initial consternation as we rounded a bend – this long green intruder with the orange-bladed sticks coming rapidly into their domain until the tree-topped crows sounded the ‘all-clear’ with several lazy faarrks.

The wood ducks were forever distrustful of our intrusion and were the first to be off – a noisy commotion to left or right and a dozen flew off down the river, well before we approached. I never saw them returning up river and idly wondered if we would eventually come across a huge, down-river duck-convention?

We stopped for morning smoko and another for ham, castello and salad rolls. By G&T time we both did our separate calculations and reckoned 35 kilometres. We had stopped at the little town of Molesworth and treated ourselves to an ice cream and another bag of ice.

There had been more rapids, a few close shaves with submerged logs but Bill and I were working effectively as a team. There were discussions about channels to follow, when the river divided around a clump of willows. Mostly we made the right choices. On one occasion we didn’t, going into the left channel and ending up pinned against a tree that had fallen across the entire width. There was mild anxiety from me, a little consternation and instruction from the Captain to “keep her upright – don’t let water come over the upstream side, whatever yer do.” Bill was out into the knee-deep water and in a flash we had manoeuvred her around and through the dead branches and away we went.

A signpost would have been good at that last river junction! There were a couple of bridges connecting someplace to another. We saw a couple fly fishing and another family camping beside the river. Apart from that, we had the river to ourselves – and it was a Spring weekend!

Night two, in hindsight was a bad choice. With camp set up and the light fading I went for a wander. I surprised a wombat, recently emerged from its burrow and then saw the stagnant water of an oxbow lake, just behind our camp. The mosquitoes were friendly and the Pork and duck snags over Cous Cous was hurriedly eaten and we retreated into the tents.

Another early start – the hot, strong black coffee kicked us into gear and we were underway by the time the kookaburras had cleared their throats. There were several tortoise-sightings and trout were evident in the shallow backwaters – we had a license, a couple of lures and one reel borrowed from an old rod. We trolled unsuccessfully for a while. I was surprised that we didn’t snag the lure.

Another beautiful day on the river – another 30+ kilometres downstream. We had been passing through a bushland corridor that buffered the rich, river flats behind. Some areas were infested with the ubiquitous blackberry scourge, but there were long stretches of seemingly pristine, mixed eucalypt, acacia and callistemon bushland. Much of the river was lined with willows and despite knowledge of their impact on river health, I admit a delight in the fairly constant, lemony-green corridor.

In the lower reaches of our journey, huge granite boulders protruding from the adjacent hillsides extended into the river as rounded sentinels. Occasional gravelly spits narrowed our options, as the river changed its course. Remnant tree stumps and submerged logs were there but a cautious eye quickly learnt to identify the tell-tale signs – the increasing water speed, the sound of rushing water, bursting around tree trunks, or through the branches of the willows, the subtle change in water colour as shallow water is approached.

A third night out. This time we inspected thoroughly before a final site selection was made. A pebble beach; a small corps of young eucalypts – plenty of firewood; a low grassy flat leading to unfenced fields of cereal. Perfecto and G&T O’clock, here we come!

We considered having a bogey in the river but it was cold, cold, cold water. A quick flip up and under the pits, a face wash and pretence that the odour enveloping the canoe was a new bush scent! Bill cooked up his specialty pesto pasta, avec tinned salmon. A couple of Merlots’ and campfire reverie got well and truly underway. Reminiscences were back into the 70’s and 80s – times when we were both working in the NT. But that’s another story…